Plans! Know thy Enemy!

I need a plan. I am so much better when I have a plan. I also need it to be reasonable, followable, and for right now... simple. I need a plan I can follow for my eating that will make me feel successful and really get me motivated to stick with it. I have a friend who told me I need to approach cooking and eating right now as a labor of love. I don't disagree with that, but I am feeling so lost and overwhelmed right now.

I am considering following the Spark meal plans for a little while, but money is so tight right now I am kind of afraid of not being able to afford it. I am not sure if this is just an excuse trying to pop into my head, or a valid concern. I have trouble telling them apart these days. I am so used to making excuses.

I really need a few healthy go to ideas for dinners and lunches so that I can make them ahead of time and freeze them. That way when those times where I don't want to cook hit me, I have something to turn to rather than going out to eat which I can't afford anyway. Bah!

So I guess it is time to do some research. I need to look around on the Spark recipes, and also at the food plans. I guess I haven't yet learned how to eat in a balanced way yet either.

I seriously need a plan.

The hidden dangers of.... things hidden

I actually recorded and tracked all of my food today. And just as I was about to congratulate myself on a job well done, I then looked at my total calories eaten!!

For the love of all things holy! I overate by 1000 calories.

::shuffle shuffle:: BRRRAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS ::shuffle shuffle::

I think I hear them coming closer.

Seriously, 1000 calories? That is almost all of tomorrow's calories. It certainly opened my eyes to how out of whack my perceptions of food have become. I am way out of practice. It's time to get back to it.

Incidentally, I realized today when it comes to fighting zombies, you should walk softly and carry a big gun. That way, hopefully they won't hear you. If they do hear you, you happen to have a big gun you can blow their brains out with. (which depending on if it has just eaten means aiming for the had or the stomach.) Barring that, there is the old fall back of RUN THE HECK AWAY! This is the part I was training for today. Yes indeedy, I went to the Y.

HOLY COW. Let me tell you something. Those extra 30 seconds of jogging added in are nothing to sneeze at. They are something to pant and sweat and swear at! But I did it anyway. I DID NOT manage to run the full intervals with the exception of the first and second to last one. But I don't care. I am improving and I felt so good having completed it. I even added an additional 5 minutes of walking onto the end. I want to keep adding walking time so that I am walking a full 30 minutes extra on top of the running portions. Walking just makes me FEEL good.

There is this wonderful sensation that comes over me sometimes when I am doing a run section. When I am into the music and am able to fully concentrate on my running and breathing, I feel like I am flying. I can feel a smile just take over my face and I wonder when I became a girl who smiles while running. I'm 281lbs as of this morning. My highest recorded weight ever, and I feel like I can do something.

Now. If I could just get the pain in my calves to go away while I am running, things would be golden! But Not too much at once ey?

I'm totally a fat girl running. Before Spark I wouldn't have even given this concept a thought. You need to BE thin to start running. Running just makes you strong and keeps you thin, right? Where do we get these notions from. Is it because no one ever told us we could? Is it because people told us we couldn't? I know that a great deal of my self doubt stems from school. I could never complete the mile run in high school. I was overweight then too, but not by this much. So if I couldn't do it then, I sure as heck can't do it now, right?

WRONG!!! WRONG!!! All of it! So Wrong!

The truth is, if your body will take it, (and it will take so much more than you think it will) than YES YOU CAN DO IT! And anyone who has a problem with you or the fact you are trying to meet your goals be damned!

So get a good look at it now Zombies. Fantasize about it super-sized with cheese a drink and a dinky plastic toy, because I am running this fat tush right off!

The one I will become will catch me...

Something to remember as I head out to the Y today.



Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide


Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

Thank you Fat Girl Vs World.

Let's Talk About Fear

I've been examining a great deal of my behavior. I am definitely self sabotaging. There is no reason at all that I should be this far back in my 'progress'. I use this word lightly. Progress suggests having gotten somewhere, not having gotten somewhere and then receded completely back to the beginning.

I can however say that I am proud of myself for not giving up. I am still going to the gym. I am still TRYING to make better decisions. I am still not deciding that being fit and thin is too much work and deciding to be fat forever.

There is a quote I heard recently that really made me think. I can't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase it basically said...

What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?

This basically translates to me as... what would you accomplish if you could just ditch the fear? I really think most of my hangups come from two specific things. One of them is I am learning that I am afraid of failing. And the second is, that food has a tremendous control over me. I hate both of these things.

I am so confused and wound up about both of these that I am not even sure entirely how to go about writing about them. Tomorrow is my day back at the gym. I have decided to go ahead and push on through to week 2 of C25K. I'll be honest and say I'm scared of this decision. I'm afraid it's too much too soon. I'm afraid I won't make it. I'm kind of afraid of pushing myself too hard and having a heart attack or something. I'm afraid of being disappointed with my calories burned even if I am proud of my run.

Tomorrow there is also a ZUMBA class. I've wanted to try it for so long. One of the reasons we joined the Y was because they had classes we wanted to take. We have yet to try any of these classes. Why? Because I'm afraid I'll look stupid, or I won't be able to keep up with the class. I'm afraid of embarrassing myself.

I really want to try the ZUMBA class. I really want to continue to run and improve. My goal is to run a 5K in October. I haven't picked it out yet, but that is my goal.

Of course I have a lot of weight loss goals... I have many many fitness goals. I feel like for the most part I am disappointing myself. I know I'm hard on me, but dammit... some of the things I keep undermining my progress with are STUPID.

Now lets talk a little about the lack of willpower also known has food has more control over me than I do. I hate this! This makes me want to cry. Seriously... I will tell you something I am embarassed about... why? Because one day when I look back at this I want to be able to say that I have some so far. Also... just maybe if you are going through this too, then you know you aren't alone. The other night neither The Educated Rabbit or I wanted to cook. We were tired, we had a long week, we just wanted to be catered too. But we knew it was bad for us. We really need to get back to healthy eating. Also, we're unemployed and it's EXPENSIVE to eat out. And I threw a tantrum. I admit it. I whined and I got upset and eventually we decided to just go out to eat... for all you can eat B-B-Q.... yikes. The whole time I was so mad at myself that I couldn't stop this behavior. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I feel like I am five or something. It's terrible.

How do I even start to battle this monster?

I think it's going to take more than avoiding the corn dogs, or shooting the knee caps off Portuguese Vampires to sort this mess out.

Dealing with Hurt

Hurt is a strange thing. It's one of those emotions that you wish you never ever had to experience, but somehow in the end makes you stronger anyway.

Ow, this pan is hot. That hurt, I won't grab it again.
I stabbed myself with this needle, it hurt. I'll use a thimble next time.
Hmm, making that presentation without preparing was embarrassing, it hurt my ego. I'll study next time.
Loving that person didn't work out. It hurt. I'll stop loving..... ??

See, it doesn't always work, does it. No it doesn't. Nothing in life is clearly cut and dry. Nothing in life is truly black and white.

A truly difficult place to be in, is one where you want to ease the hurt when you know there isn't a solve, or a band-aid, or even a magic kiss that can make it better. Only time and bravery. Time to heal the wound, and bravery to open oneself up again.

I have not been eaten...

My lack of presence is not in fact due to being overrun by the legions of undead. I can, in fact, make a coherent sentence that does not consist of...

"BRRRAAAAIIIIINNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS"

However, this past week I had a house guest. My lovely house guest brought with her a mot fantastically cute baby. The fantastically cute baby found himself to be quite sleepy very often. He also happened to be sleeping in the room where my computer is. So NO INTERNETZ for a week or so. However I am back now, joining the land of bloggers, dieters, and undead hunters.

Monday continues my training and I shall be upping my intensity. Trust me, after this week past, I need it.

*Hides*

I seriously need to work on my willpower. Umm... I was perfect until dinner time...

*hides*

The zombies are so coming after me with with cheese....