Sunday, March 25, 2012

Rise from the Dead

Undeath!! AHHHHH!!!

No, not really. I haven't fully succumbed to the grasp and bite of the slathering undead. I've come really close. I've been attacked and mauled and scraped and crawled my way into a hole to heal from the experience. See, this isn't exactly like the movies, or the video games. One bite or scratch isn't going to do you in and turn you into one of the legion of brain eaters. You need to be fully beaten in order to turn. You need to really give up in order to go back into the land of mindless eating and killing yourself.

I was close. I admit it.

Since I started to seriously try and change my life, escape the zombie horde and get healthy, I've made a lot of progress. I'm down a total of about 40-45lbs, depending on how I'm doing at the time. I've also been stalled for about six months. I lost the drive and the will and maybe even the want to get it done and stick with it. I've been yo-yoing the same 10lbs since then. This past week has been horrible, and I am sure I am close to the top of those ten pounds instead of the bottom.

I'm finally peeking my head out of the hole though. I pulled myself out of my hiding spot and went for a long walk today. I've had a lot of time to think too, about why I've been in the hole. Sadly, I haven't really come to too many conclusions, and the process of thinking it all through is honestly kind of painful. I've had to examine a lot of my behavior and try and decipher WHY I am behaving that way. I haven't been really proud of myself in a long time. That is a hard feeling to examine also.

I'm experiencing some health issues, and they aren't getting better. I don't know if I actually have addressed it in the blog or not, but I'm suffering from infertility. My body doesn't work properly and I don't have a cycle. I was very excited that the healthy lifestyle I was embracing was helping, as things started to actually become cyclical. However, things are now close to being as bad as they have ever been and I'm feeling depressed more than not. Depression, leads me to a whole host of unhealthy behaviors because they make me feel better "RIGHT NOW". I'm still working on improvement here.

There is just so much I am trying to do and want for myself and my life. I sort of feel like I've failed as an adult. I'm 31 years old, still trying to have my first child, and now I don't even have a place of my own to call home. This is not where I pictured my life. Mind you... I don't have a bad life. I have a lot to be thankful for. But when you know inside you that a piece of you is missing, you can't just overlook that.

I guess the point is... no promises of regular blogging... no swearing to myself I'm going to 'get it right' right away this time... I'm just going to crawl out of my whole and start moving again, away from the zombies, and hope that I'm faster.


Sandelightful said...

I am so proud of you for sharing this, for bringing this all to the light. Keeping it hidden gives it power over you. You ARE faster than the zombies. And even if you don't feel faster now, at the very least you are much more clever. Speed will come.
We need these dark times in our journeys. We need them to push us even further. We need them to help us grow and discover. Think of some of the hardest darkest moments in your life. Where would you be, who would you be, without them?
If we didn't "fail" sometimes, how would we ever truly understand the ecstasy of success?
You have come so far, and now it is time for the next level. That can be scary and it is sometimes necessary to take a little break and prepare. Ready?
You are not alone <3

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