The ups and downs

I went on Safari this month. Uh huh. Did you know that the animals of the Serengeti are subject to the zombie plague as well? You know what is dangerous about that? Well, other than hot plains full of undead animals.... They are FASTER than regular zombies!!! I wasn't prepared. I didn't have my running shoes! I didn't even have a real gun! I just had some fancy moves I've picked up throughout this journey. So, I took some scratches and tumbles. I scraped my knees, and dirtied up my new safari gear.

No... not really. But they did catch me this month. I've had my first gain since starting the program. I know it's a natural part of the process, but it's still hard to swallow. I gained 4lbs exactly. My anniversary was on the 16th, My uncles birthday party on the 20, and my husbands birthday on the 22nd. That was just a lot of events all at one time. If I'm going to be honest, I was so busy being in love on my anniversary that I didn't even bother to eat properly. I went on a food vacation. I will NEVER do that again. Oh god... I feel so god awful for having done it. Also, it's been making the good choices, the ones I was making without even thinking, SO MUCH HARDER. So for my own peace of mind, I won't be doing that again.

Watch out for those zombies. They can be tricksie!

The bottom line is... I knew I was going to have a small gain. I tried to prepare myself for it and it didn't really work. Now, I am very very eager to have a good on point week and rack up some activity points. I earned 16 last week, which is a new high for me. So my aim is to beat that this week. I've been walking in the evenings when it cools down ever so slightly. My goal is to also start yoga back up again. I want to be and feel stronger. I could really use t hat sense of well being and being able to take care of myself. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm being tossed around in the wind a bit.

When you're fighting the zombie plague, you definitely want to know you have a sturdy safe house to retreat to. I want my body to feel like my safe house again. I think it might take a few weeks to get back to that feeling. That scares me. I need to trust myself and get right back on the plan and do what I need to do. Backwards progress just tends to terrify me. On previous 'diets' this would usually be the point where I gave up. I can't let myself do that this time though. Before this gain, I was 32lbs lost. That's amazing to me and I can't let it stop there.

Anger

Wild Card Sunday is here again… I’m going to talk a little bit about anger.

I am so tired of being angry. I feel I am angry all of the time right now. I have no where to put this emotion. Even when I am not actively angry, something small and insignificant can just infuriate me. This is because I am not being able to get rid of the hurt/bad/irate feelings that build up at any given time.

How do you approach any situation to defuse it and talk about it when you KNOW you are over reacting and blowing things out of proportion because you aren’t in a good headspace in the first place.

It’s just effecting everything so badly. I’m angry I can’t seem to control my eating. I’m gaining weight. I’m angry that I am jealous that my friends around the net are losing weight.

I wanted to be a Big Eagle this coming term, but I clearly am not in a good enough head space to be levelheaded and mentor people. I don’t want them to have an experience like I did.

This is very random. My mind is jumping about to several topics. I hate that I am so angry about things I shouldn’t be angry about. You know, it has gotten to the point where I don’t even know when I am valid in being angry anymore. Maybe I SHOULD be angry, but I just can’t accept that at face value because I know I’ve been blowing things out of proportion.

I just need a vacation from my life.

???

I found this bumper sticker when I was browsing around. Funny... and accurate. Do you know what the vehicle is? It's me. It's my body. Turning inward and actually looking at the things that are wrong is the only way I am going to get this vehicle into fighting shape. We all know the zombies aren't particularly fast, but they come in numbers. Oh boy, do they come in numbers. I think my zombies that came to tea have multiplied.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and not much writing. I chose to revamp the blog in the middle of moving. I think part of me did that on purpose. I wanted a distraction. I wanted another THING to keep me from having to look at the situation I am in.

I'm 30 years old. I'm Morbidly Obese. I've recently gone through a bankruptcy, and now I am going through a foreclosure. I have body issues. I have self esteem issues. I have some anxiety issues and some issues that I don't have names for just yet. I am a master at distraction.

But here is the truth of it... I say that. I think it's the truth. I am doing my best to find the truth. I'm working on my truth. And the truth is... I don't like where I am. I've gained... 6 or 7 lbs since moving. Some of it is stress I am sure. Some of it is eating A LOT more processed food. And part of it is not having renewed my body bugg subscription yet. It's somehow easier to make excuses to not work out when the numbers aren't staring you in the face. But it's entirely possible that this is our very last week of unemployment. So who knows when I'll be able to afford it again right now.

I hope that isn't an excuse. I am so tired of them. I'm beginning to wonder if I even know what they look like when they show up anymore. It's frustrating.

I don't feel like I have the right to be unhappy. I'm trying to be supportive to my husband as he struggled to find a job, stay on top of his school work, and not submit to his own depression that is brewing. I'm so grateful to have my parents take us in with losing our house. I've talked myself into seeing only the good side. We can't afford our house or our bills... this is a good thing. Here I go again. I don't let myself see the things that I new would break me before even making the move. I.... I don't even feel comfortable writing about it all. I feel ungrateful complaining.

I feel on the edge of tears all the time.

I am filling my day with distractions instead of actually getting things done. I need to finish moving. I need to close the door on that part of my life. It's unexpectedly hard. When I go over to the house to try and clean or pack boxes, I become overwhelemed emotionally. It makes me sad to be there. I feel like a failure. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. How much of it is my fault? How much of this could have been avoided.

And underneath all this... are my feelings of failure because I can't seem to lose the weight or keep it off. Another of my friends has gotten pregnant, which always sends me over the deep end for a little while. I was going to start weight watchers again on Monday, because I was so successful with it. I would be doing it on my own though as I obviously can't afford to actually go. But here it is Tuesday and I haven't actually started yet.

This isn't it for me right? I mean I'm not just going to be fat and feel medicore about things forever. Life has to have more in store for me than that.

At least, I am thankful for a loving family, loving friends and the great love of my life. Love at the very least isn't something I am short of. Thank goodness for that.

Sunday Wildcard

Today is Sunday and that means it's wildcard day. I might choose a topic from any other day of the week to revisit, or choose another of those headings to write about. Today I'm going to be talking about what is on my mind, like Thursdays.

Courtesy - noun - excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior.

I feel a general lack of courtesy is a huge problem with this country. It is CERTAINLY a huge problem with my neighbors.

Is it so much to ask that one not play their music so loudly that the bass permeates my entire house? The alarm clock didn't wake me up today, but the BASS did. This gets me so incredably angry that I am having trouble containing myself on the the subject. A little background.

I cannot handle people's bass. It sounds silly, and most people don't understand. But base that I can feel through my house and in my chest makes me physically ill. I will literally be sick but worst of all, it triggers my Flight response. All I can think about is running away from the feeling.. from the 'noise'. I can't sit. I can't think. I can't eat... all I can do is try to figure out how to make it stop.

I don't even know which house the music is coming from because I can't hear that part. But I can feel their freaking bass throughout my entire person. There isn't a room in the house I can escape too... We've called the police before when it got so bad that hubby had to take me away from the house because I was just ill. But it always ends up that when the cop is actually here, there isn't any music playing so who knows where it is coming from. I don't live in a traditional neighborhood, but I am surrounded by farms and dirt road communities.

How can you be such an asshat as to think the entire damn world needs to hear YOUR music.

I hope these people are slow... Go on and fiddle with your damn loud music and your freaking AWFUL BASS... zombies love slow food.

Running

I've been running for a couple of months now. I'm getting really very good at it. My stamina is increasing and I'm getting further and further than I could when I started.

The problem is... I'm not running out on the street, on the treadmill or even at the gym. I'm running in my mind. I've been spending so much time and effort running away from myself. I've been running from my missed obligations. I've been running from my stressful situation. Mostly, and most devastatingly, I've been running away from how I feel. I've been running from how I feel about almost everything.

I came into the beginning of this year with a good attitude, determination, a plan and a dedication to succeed. I lost my motivation quickly. Why? Because I was using them as excuses and reasons to not really face the problem. Of course they were good ideas, I'm very good at that. I'm the master at making a good sound plan so I don't actually have to fix what is wrong.

Tonight everything to come to a head. I was finally forced to confront how far I have run. I was finally forced to confront how much distance there is between where I am, where I thought I was and where I actually want to be. I was forced to actually feel all the things I have been feeling and have been able to push away. I was forced to acknowledge the fact that no one has put me in this position but me. It isn't anyone elses fault.

These are the results of my choices. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I don't like myself very much. I think I am a good person. I like my morals and my views. I think I am a good friend. I think I am a loving wife. But I don't take care of myself at all and I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't like the way I think about certain things... food and exercise obviously, but other things too. I don't like that I trade my well being, emotionally and physically, for a few moments of instant pleasure. You know what I dislike even more than that? Many times, it's not even instant pleasure. It's simply less work. I hate that I treat myself like I am not worth the effort. How did I let things get this bad?

This all started with a very negative thought. I couldn't help but think... about how far I am from where I want to be. If I had just stuck with things, did what I knew I was supposed to do and gotten control of myself... then would be where I want to be right now instead of where I am.

Overweight. Depressed. Driveless. Unhealthy. Tired.

It caught me by surprised. Yes. I am actually feeling these things. I feel awful. I feel bad almost all of the time. Everyone talks about how well I am handling the foreclosure and the move. Everyone talks about how great my attitude about it all is. That's true. But on the inside, I feel awful. I just refused to acknowledge it all.

It was then I realized that I am miles away from where I THOUGHT I was. I've been hiding from how I feel for so long that I really had no idea all of these things were down in there. I've recently been talking about feeling stuck and very stressed out. It's no wonder really. Here I was wondering why I couldn't take the turn... it's because I've been walking into a wall this whole time but I wasn't paying attention to where I was actually going. A bit metaphorical, but true.

I did eventually work around to the fact that thinking like that isn't going to help anyone, least of all me. When did I gain such a shallow perception of myself that it is OKAY to gloss over the unhappy bits. When I did get the notion that this would somehow make it all better?

Probably around the same time I realized I hated looking in the mirror....

I have so many plans for my life. I've started living so many times and then stopped because I got lazy.

I. Got. Too. Lazy. To. Live. My. Life.

What is wrong with me? I'm afraid to turn around. If I do that will be just enough for the zombies to grab me. Seriously, they are that close. They stink... and they do not articulate well. And one of them went out for cheese... this is not good.

Confession time. Because it's important for me to reflect on how bad it has gotten.

I've had sex maybe once in the last month or two.
Before tonight it had been a month since I showered.
I haven't left the house in over a month unless we had company over.
I let the dishes build up until there was literally nothing left to cook with or eat off of.
There have been many nights were I was too lazy to cook so we ate junk for dinner.

It goes on.. these are the main things.

Before I sat and actually got acquainted with my feelings about all of this... I WAS FINE with it all. How can I possibly be fine with that?

So my husband and I talked about a lot of things. I cried. Then I got my backside up. I cleaned our the shower, and I scrubbed my silly self from crown to toes. I needed it.

Apart from feeling clean... I feel lighter. I am able to face myself and say... see, you are worth some time and effort. THINGS and DISTRACTIONS aren't more important than YOU. The feeling actually made me cry. It's coming home - how much advantage I have been taking of myself. I don't let other people take advantage of me (to the best of my ability) but I wasn't immune from doing it to myself.

My husband and I made these great plans on how to help motivate each other to reach these goals we are having issues with. I don't disclose his, but mine involve weight-loss and fitness. We drew awesome flow charts and wrote schedules out on how to help each other for each step of the way. And then we promptly forgot about them. I sat on the couch talking to him tonight and came to a realization. I said... I can handle anything, but there are two main things I need help with. Just two things, and I will be able to handle the rest on my own.. I had to stop and laugh after this. The next realization I had struck me as funny.

A little back story.

Weight loss is not magic. It's math. Plain and Simple. The entire bajillion dollar industry is built on the simple fact that for the math to work you need to eat less and move more. Now, there are a bajillion different ways to go about this and each person has individual needs, but the premise remains the same. It's a multi-gazillion dollar industry based on math. Subtraction at that, not even calculus or long division even. So the next time your kid says why do we need math, give that to them for some thought.

So the two things I decided I just needed help with. I thought..."If I could only get some help with my food choices, and making sure I don't skip my workouts..." Then I started to laugh..

Oh yeah... eat less... move more... duh!

It was funny.. but also again made me take a good long look at a part of me I have been avoiding. I tend to find these moments of clarity when I'm talking with S. I told her early this year that there is no magic button this time. The only thing left is to just do it. Stop planning to do it, stop talking about doing it, and finally just do it even though its going to be hard. I wish I could hold onto the clarity.

Oh yeah, that involves actually facing how your feeling about things. What a mess.

So where am I now. Well, for one thing, I'm clean. I went into the clean laundry (which has ben sitting for a couple of weeks and needs to be put away) and pulled out my gym clothes. I hung them on a hanger on my bedroom door so I put them on tomorrow. I'm making a list of things that we need very much and we're actually going out to get them tomorrow after the gym.

I made myself stop and think. I actually feel good about this.

It's still not easy though. There is this part of me having a tantrum and stamping its feet telling me that it doesn't want to go out tomorrow. There is a part of me trying to tell me what a failure I have been. I'm trying to acknowledge, but not listen to either of them. Right now, I'm just trying to be good to me.

So, this blog has a slightly new purpose. Of course there will still be zombie funnies... Even though most of those funnies are about real issues I am dealing with. But I also need this blog to help me keep track of myself. I need it to help me make sure I don't treat myself with so little worth. It's painful.

So if you're still reading, thank you. You're more than welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe, my journey will help further your journey. At the end of the day, maybe we all leave the zombies behind.

Thank you

First of all, I would like to thank each of you who offered condolences on the loss of my Orion. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I didn't respond to each one individually, it's been emotionally very difficult.

Things right now are just hard. I am going to endevaor to update more regularly. I do however as for your patience. Right now I've just lost my cat, I'm going through a foreclosure, I'm getting sick and I've hurt my knee.

So... I'm greeting each day with a smile and hoping that if I am stubborn enough, the day will turn out positively anyway despite how I've been feeling. The good news is that after my weigh in on Monday, I am back on track with the weight loss. I am now .1lb ahead of where I wanted to be. I'm very proud of this.

Oh another triumph! Last night we had chili with rice for dinner. I love this. But I had 1c of rice despite the fact that hubby made 2 cups for me... and the real triumph here... I only ate 5 crackers. I can , and have in the past, eaten an entire sleeve of crackers with chili. But this time I portioned out five, and I never went back for anymore. You better believe I added a star to my poster for that!

Sadness

Remember way back in the beginning I told you this journal was also going to be about life and sometimes it would be emotional? You've been warned.

Yesterday was not a good day.I didn't count calories, I didn't watch what I ate. I took comofort in chocolate and potato chips and I am sure it was another 3000+ day.

Yesterday, out of the clear blue my Orion passed away. He was only nine and that is still quite young for a cat. I won't get into the details, but it was horrifying and it's still very raw.

He was laying on the doggie pillow. Got up, stretched himself out. Laid down on the carpet... and then it happened. And within a minute... he was gone.

I'm crushed inside. My other kitties and my puppy keep looking for him.

Roger said that some stars burn out faster than others, but they burn all the brighter for it. That made me smile... I asked him who he though Orion's Evangeline was? He said... maybe the kittie on the other side of the dish washer. I cried forever.

Orion used to play with and box his reflection in the front of the dishwasher.

I miss my kitty.