Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I found this bumper sticker when I was browsing around. Funny... and accurate. Do you know what the vehicle is? It's me. It's my body. Turning inward and actually looking at the things that are wrong is the only way I am going to get this vehicle into fighting shape. We all know the zombies aren't particularly fast, but they come in numbers. Oh boy, do they come in numbers. I think my zombies that came to tea have multiplied.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and not much writing. I chose to revamp the blog in the middle of moving. I think part of me did that on purpose. I wanted a distraction. I wanted another THING to keep me from having to look at the situation I am in.

I'm 30 years old. I'm Morbidly Obese. I've recently gone through a bankruptcy, and now I am going through a foreclosure. I have body issues. I have self esteem issues. I have some anxiety issues and some issues that I don't have names for just yet. I am a master at distraction.

But here is the truth of it... I say that. I think it's the truth. I am doing my best to find the truth. I'm working on my truth. And the truth is... I don't like where I am. I've gained... 6 or 7 lbs since moving. Some of it is stress I am sure. Some of it is eating A LOT more processed food. And part of it is not having renewed my body bugg subscription yet. It's somehow easier to make excuses to not work out when the numbers aren't staring you in the face. But it's entirely possible that this is our very last week of unemployment. So who knows when I'll be able to afford it again right now.

I hope that isn't an excuse. I am so tired of them. I'm beginning to wonder if I even know what they look like when they show up anymore. It's frustrating.

I don't feel like I have the right to be unhappy. I'm trying to be supportive to my husband as he struggled to find a job, stay on top of his school work, and not submit to his own depression that is brewing. I'm so grateful to have my parents take us in with losing our house. I've talked myself into seeing only the good side. We can't afford our house or our bills... this is a good thing. Here I go again. I don't let myself see the things that I new would break me before even making the move. I.... I don't even feel comfortable writing about it all. I feel ungrateful complaining.

I feel on the edge of tears all the time.

I am filling my day with distractions instead of actually getting things done. I need to finish moving. I need to close the door on that part of my life. It's unexpectedly hard. When I go over to the house to try and clean or pack boxes, I become overwhelemed emotionally. It makes me sad to be there. I feel like a failure. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. How much of it is my fault? How much of this could have been avoided.

And underneath all this... are my feelings of failure because I can't seem to lose the weight or keep it off. Another of my friends has gotten pregnant, which always sends me over the deep end for a little while. I was going to start weight watchers again on Monday, because I was so successful with it. I would be doing it on my own though as I obviously can't afford to actually go. But here it is Tuesday and I haven't actually started yet.

This isn't it for me right? I mean I'm not just going to be fat and feel medicore about things forever. Life has to have more in store for me than that.

At least, I am thankful for a loving family, loving friends and the great love of my life. Love at the very least isn't something I am short of. Thank goodness for that.


Sandelightful said...

The fact that you want more out of your life and yourself is a great indicator that this is not all there is.
The changes are so hard, and so painful. But there comes a point when staying as you are is actually more painful than the changes that need to be made.

I'm right there too.
I feel as if so much of what you said here is exactly what has been running through my mind lately too.

I love you a whole bunch!
You can do this. You can make these changes. You deserve to have and be everything you've been wishing for!

In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo

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