Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Hello There! I've had a blogging epiphany. I don't blog well when I have nothing to talk about. Surprising ey?

So I am working on a structure, and a plan to give myself something to write about each day. The more in touch I am with my goals, the more success I have. This blog is a 'tangible' way I stay in touch with my goals and with you readers!

So starting the second week in March or so, there 'SHOULD' be daily blogs. I would start sooner, but I am going to be away without internet access.

Exciting things coming!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It hurts... the good hurt.

My whole body is killing me. My legs especially are feeling the most pain. Yesterday I walked for something like seven hours.

Yesterday My husband, my best friend and her mother and I all went to the Ren Fest. It was one of the most amazing fun times I have had in a long time. I actually usually have no trouble at all getting into character at these things, but yesterday was an exception to that rule. The accent wouldn't come, the in character wittiness wouldn't come and it all didn't matter. It was jst so much fun to walk walk walk and look at all of the shops and especially with someone who hadn't been in so long. (S's Mother)

Next year we'll be all going again and bringing S's little boy which will be so amazing also!

So, I even had a few triumph moments.

First of all, I walked for something like seven hours. Secondly, I refused free donuts!! I ate half a giant turkey leg and I did eat a whole soup in a bread bowl. That was probably a bit cal heavy, but I do the ren fest once a year or so. Hubby and I each got our own, but next year we'll probably split one because it was reall yhuge. It was bigger than I anticipated it being. Then we had decided it was alright to get a funnel cake. By the end of the day I decided I just didn't really need a funnel cake. (They are huge ethere) So instead on the way out we got a fresh scone with strawberries and whip cream on it and we split that. So I am really proud of yesterday.

I got souvenirs! (I also got some awesome pictures) Since I am moving I wanted to make sure that I didn't bring home 'STUFF'. So I got a decoration for my hair and a hisp scarf that jingles. I do love wearing things in my hair so I will get a lot of use out of that, and the hip scarf is for dressing up my jeans and also for when I practice my belly dance DVD. The instructor says to ear a hips scarf so you know if you're doing the hip movement enough. If you don't do it hard enough to get a jingle, you're doing something wrong.

My husband got a couple of new pieces for his outfit. I'm so glad! He's wanted to start working on his outfit for years. Now he's finally getting the chances. It's awesome. :D

So that was yesterday. Tons of walking, good food choices. I'm a happy girl!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Y Hello There!

I did it! I made good on a promise to myself. I worked out today!

When I got myself out of bed this morning, the very first thing I did was get dressed in my gym gear since it was already right there hanging up for me. I had a breakfast shake and took care of a couple of errands around the house while my husband was out running a few errands.

By the time he got home, my motivation was sorely lacking. I felt myself slipping into that smae old rut. So I went to go find him where he was taking care of a few things. I told him I needed help. I didn't want to go and I had no energy. He told me we were going. He did it nicely. But he also didn't leave room for argument.

So I went and boiled myself two eggs and had two pieces of toast. Normally I am starving after being done with the gym. I didn't want to feel like that so I had some more substantial breakfast. We packed the gym bag and went to the gym.

Do you know? I love our Y. It's just so awesome and the energy there is wonderful. There were no classes running right at that time we wanted to do so to our favorite ellipticals we went. I am so proud of myself. I did 2.02 miles in 35 minutes! I haven't worked out in MONTHS... literally. I am so happy wiht my results.

Also. I weighed in this morning. I am a little less than one pound away from my goal for this week. Knock me over with a feather. That means with a little effort... not even extra effort. A little effort will result in my being able to reach my weekly goal within a couple of weeks. I can still hit my 12 week goal without killing myself. This is so exciting.

These are all things that before last night I wouldn't have attempted or even thought about. I just 'knew' I was so far away from my goal that there wasn't even a point in trying to reach it anymore. I 'knew' it had been so long since we went to the gym there wasn't a point in going anymore. Well last night, if nothing else, taught me I was wrong about MANY things I 'knew'.

The Knitty Gritty
Elliptical 35 minutes.
2.02 Miles
Calories burned: TBA
C25K D1 W1

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I've been running for a couple of months now. I'm getting really very good at it. My stamina is increasing and I'm getting further and further than I could when I started.

The problem is... I'm not running out on the street, on the treadmill or even at the gym. I'm running in my mind. I've been spending so much time and effort running away from myself. I've been running from my missed obligations. I've been running from my stressful situation. Mostly, and most devastatingly, I've been running away from how I feel. I've been running from how I feel about almost everything.

I came into the beginning of this year with a good attitude, determination, a plan and a dedication to succeed. I lost my motivation quickly. Why? Because I was using them as excuses and reasons to not really face the problem. Of course they were good ideas, I'm very good at that. I'm the master at making a good sound plan so I don't actually have to fix what is wrong.

Tonight everything to come to a head. I was finally forced to confront how far I have run. I was finally forced to confront how much distance there is between where I am, where I thought I was and where I actually want to be. I was forced to actually feel all the things I have been feeling and have been able to push away. I was forced to acknowledge the fact that no one has put me in this position but me. It isn't anyone elses fault.

These are the results of my choices. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I don't like myself very much. I think I am a good person. I like my morals and my views. I think I am a good friend. I think I am a loving wife. But I don't take care of myself at all and I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't like the way I think about certain things... food and exercise obviously, but other things too. I don't like that I trade my well being, emotionally and physically, for a few moments of instant pleasure. You know what I dislike even more than that? Many times, it's not even instant pleasure. It's simply less work. I hate that I treat myself like I am not worth the effort. How did I let things get this bad?

This all started with a very negative thought. I couldn't help but think... about how far I am from where I want to be. If I had just stuck with things, did what I knew I was supposed to do and gotten control of myself... then would be where I want to be right now instead of where I am.

Overweight. Depressed. Driveless. Unhealthy. Tired.

It caught me by surprised. Yes. I am actually feeling these things. I feel awful. I feel bad almost all of the time. Everyone talks about how well I am handling the foreclosure and the move. Everyone talks about how great my attitude about it all is. That's true. But on the inside, I feel awful. I just refused to acknowledge it all.

It was then I realized that I am miles away from where I THOUGHT I was. I've been hiding from how I feel for so long that I really had no idea all of these things were down in there. I've recently been talking about feeling stuck and very stressed out. It's no wonder really. Here I was wondering why I couldn't take the turn... it's because I've been walking into a wall this whole time but I wasn't paying attention to where I was actually going. A bit metaphorical, but true.

I did eventually work around to the fact that thinking like that isn't going to help anyone, least of all me. When did I gain such a shallow perception of myself that it is OKAY to gloss over the unhappy bits. When I did get the notion that this would somehow make it all better?

Probably around the same time I realized I hated looking in the mirror....

I have so many plans for my life. I've started living so many times and then stopped because I got lazy.

I. Got. Too. Lazy. To. Live. My. Life.

What is wrong with me? I'm afraid to turn around. If I do that will be just enough for the zombies to grab me. Seriously, they are that close. They stink... and they do not articulate well. And one of them went out for cheese... this is not good.

Confession time. Because it's important for me to reflect on how bad it has gotten.

I've had sex maybe once in the last month or two.
Before tonight it had been a month since I showered.
I haven't left the house in over a month unless we had company over.
I let the dishes build up until there was literally nothing left to cook with or eat off of.
There have been many nights were I was too lazy to cook so we ate junk for dinner.

It goes on.. these are the main things.

Before I sat and actually got acquainted with my feelings about all of this... I WAS FINE with it all. How can I possibly be fine with that?

So my husband and I talked about a lot of things. I cried. Then I got my backside up. I cleaned our the shower, and I scrubbed my silly self from crown to toes. I needed it.

Apart from feeling clean... I feel lighter. I am able to face myself and say... see, you are worth some time and effort. THINGS and DISTRACTIONS aren't more important than YOU. The feeling actually made me cry. It's coming home - how much advantage I have been taking of myself. I don't let other people take advantage of me (to the best of my ability) but I wasn't immune from doing it to myself.

My husband and I made these great plans on how to help motivate each other to reach these goals we are having issues with. I don't disclose his, but mine involve weight-loss and fitness. We drew awesome flow charts and wrote schedules out on how to help each other for each step of the way. And then we promptly forgot about them. I sat on the couch talking to him tonight and came to a realization. I said... I can handle anything, but there are two main things I need help with. Just two things, and I will be able to handle the rest on my own.. I had to stop and laugh after this. The next realization I had struck me as funny.

A little back story.

Weight loss is not magic. It's math. Plain and Simple. The entire bajillion dollar industry is built on the simple fact that for the math to work you need to eat less and move more. Now, there are a bajillion different ways to go about this and each person has individual needs, but the premise remains the same. It's a multi-gazillion dollar industry based on math. Subtraction at that, not even calculus or long division even. So the next time your kid says why do we need math, give that to them for some thought.

So the two things I decided I just needed help with. I thought..."If I could only get some help with my food choices, and making sure I don't skip my workouts..." Then I started to laugh..

Oh yeah... eat less... move more... duh!

It was funny.. but also again made me take a good long look at a part of me I have been avoiding. I tend to find these moments of clarity when I'm talking with S. I told her early this year that there is no magic button this time. The only thing left is to just do it. Stop planning to do it, stop talking about doing it, and finally just do it even though its going to be hard. I wish I could hold onto the clarity.

Oh yeah, that involves actually facing how your feeling about things. What a mess.

So where am I now. Well, for one thing, I'm clean. I went into the clean laundry (which has ben sitting for a couple of weeks and needs to be put away) and pulled out my gym clothes. I hung them on a hanger on my bedroom door so I put them on tomorrow. I'm making a list of things that we need very much and we're actually going out to get them tomorrow after the gym.

I made myself stop and think. I actually feel good about this.

It's still not easy though. There is this part of me having a tantrum and stamping its feet telling me that it doesn't want to go out tomorrow. There is a part of me trying to tell me what a failure I have been. I'm trying to acknowledge, but not listen to either of them. Right now, I'm just trying to be good to me.

So, this blog has a slightly new purpose. Of course there will still be zombie funnies... Even though most of those funnies are about real issues I am dealing with. But I also need this blog to help me keep track of myself. I need it to help me make sure I don't treat myself with so little worth. It's painful.

So if you're still reading, thank you. You're more than welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe, my journey will help further your journey. At the end of the day, maybe we all leave the zombies behind.