Thursday, February 3, 2011

Running

I've been running for a couple of months now. I'm getting really very good at it. My stamina is increasing and I'm getting further and further than I could when I started.

The problem is... I'm not running out on the street, on the treadmill or even at the gym. I'm running in my mind. I've been spending so much time and effort running away from myself. I've been running from my missed obligations. I've been running from my stressful situation. Mostly, and most devastatingly, I've been running away from how I feel. I've been running from how I feel about almost everything.

I came into the beginning of this year with a good attitude, determination, a plan and a dedication to succeed. I lost my motivation quickly. Why? Because I was using them as excuses and reasons to not really face the problem. Of course they were good ideas, I'm very good at that. I'm the master at making a good sound plan so I don't actually have to fix what is wrong.

Tonight everything to come to a head. I was finally forced to confront how far I have run. I was finally forced to confront how much distance there is between where I am, where I thought I was and where I actually want to be. I was forced to actually feel all the things I have been feeling and have been able to push away. I was forced to acknowledge the fact that no one has put me in this position but me. It isn't anyone elses fault.

These are the results of my choices. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I don't like myself very much. I think I am a good person. I like my morals and my views. I think I am a good friend. I think I am a loving wife. But I don't take care of myself at all and I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't like the way I think about certain things... food and exercise obviously, but other things too. I don't like that I trade my well being, emotionally and physically, for a few moments of instant pleasure. You know what I dislike even more than that? Many times, it's not even instant pleasure. It's simply less work. I hate that I treat myself like I am not worth the effort. How did I let things get this bad?

This all started with a very negative thought. I couldn't help but think... about how far I am from where I want to be. If I had just stuck with things, did what I knew I was supposed to do and gotten control of myself... then would be where I want to be right now instead of where I am.

Overweight. Depressed. Driveless. Unhealthy. Tired.

It caught me by surprised. Yes. I am actually feeling these things. I feel awful. I feel bad almost all of the time. Everyone talks about how well I am handling the foreclosure and the move. Everyone talks about how great my attitude about it all is. That's true. But on the inside, I feel awful. I just refused to acknowledge it all.

It was then I realized that I am miles away from where I THOUGHT I was. I've been hiding from how I feel for so long that I really had no idea all of these things were down in there. I've recently been talking about feeling stuck and very stressed out. It's no wonder really. Here I was wondering why I couldn't take the turn... it's because I've been walking into a wall this whole time but I wasn't paying attention to where I was actually going. A bit metaphorical, but true.

I did eventually work around to the fact that thinking like that isn't going to help anyone, least of all me. When did I gain such a shallow perception of myself that it is OKAY to gloss over the unhappy bits. When I did get the notion that this would somehow make it all better?

Probably around the same time I realized I hated looking in the mirror....

I have so many plans for my life. I've started living so many times and then stopped because I got lazy.

I. Got. Too. Lazy. To. Live. My. Life.

What is wrong with me? I'm afraid to turn around. If I do that will be just enough for the zombies to grab me. Seriously, they are that close. They stink... and they do not articulate well. And one of them went out for cheese... this is not good.

Confession time. Because it's important for me to reflect on how bad it has gotten.

I've had sex maybe once in the last month or two.
Before tonight it had been a month since I showered.
I haven't left the house in over a month unless we had company over.
I let the dishes build up until there was literally nothing left to cook with or eat off of.
There have been many nights were I was too lazy to cook so we ate junk for dinner.

It goes on.. these are the main things.

Before I sat and actually got acquainted with my feelings about all of this... I WAS FINE with it all. How can I possibly be fine with that?

So my husband and I talked about a lot of things. I cried. Then I got my backside up. I cleaned our the shower, and I scrubbed my silly self from crown to toes. I needed it.

Apart from feeling clean... I feel lighter. I am able to face myself and say... see, you are worth some time and effort. THINGS and DISTRACTIONS aren't more important than YOU. The feeling actually made me cry. It's coming home - how much advantage I have been taking of myself. I don't let other people take advantage of me (to the best of my ability) but I wasn't immune from doing it to myself.

My husband and I made these great plans on how to help motivate each other to reach these goals we are having issues with. I don't disclose his, but mine involve weight-loss and fitness. We drew awesome flow charts and wrote schedules out on how to help each other for each step of the way. And then we promptly forgot about them. I sat on the couch talking to him tonight and came to a realization. I said... I can handle anything, but there are two main things I need help with. Just two things, and I will be able to handle the rest on my own.. I had to stop and laugh after this. The next realization I had struck me as funny.

A little back story.

Weight loss is not magic. It's math. Plain and Simple. The entire bajillion dollar industry is built on the simple fact that for the math to work you need to eat less and move more. Now, there are a bajillion different ways to go about this and each person has individual needs, but the premise remains the same. It's a multi-gazillion dollar industry based on math. Subtraction at that, not even calculus or long division even. So the next time your kid says why do we need math, give that to them for some thought.

So the two things I decided I just needed help with. I thought..."If I could only get some help with my food choices, and making sure I don't skip my workouts..." Then I started to laugh..

Oh yeah... eat less... move more... duh!

It was funny.. but also again made me take a good long look at a part of me I have been avoiding. I tend to find these moments of clarity when I'm talking with S. I told her early this year that there is no magic button this time. The only thing left is to just do it. Stop planning to do it, stop talking about doing it, and finally just do it even though its going to be hard. I wish I could hold onto the clarity.

Oh yeah, that involves actually facing how your feeling about things. What a mess.

So where am I now. Well, for one thing, I'm clean. I went into the clean laundry (which has ben sitting for a couple of weeks and needs to be put away) and pulled out my gym clothes. I hung them on a hanger on my bedroom door so I put them on tomorrow. I'm making a list of things that we need very much and we're actually going out to get them tomorrow after the gym.

I made myself stop and think. I actually feel good about this.

It's still not easy though. There is this part of me having a tantrum and stamping its feet telling me that it doesn't want to go out tomorrow. There is a part of me trying to tell me what a failure I have been. I'm trying to acknowledge, but not listen to either of them. Right now, I'm just trying to be good to me.

So, this blog has a slightly new purpose. Of course there will still be zombie funnies... Even though most of those funnies are about real issues I am dealing with. But I also need this blog to help me keep track of myself. I need it to help me make sure I don't treat myself with so little worth. It's painful.

So if you're still reading, thank you. You're more than welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe, my journey will help further your journey. At the end of the day, maybe we all leave the zombies behind.

4 comments:

Sandelightful said...

I'm here =)
And you are not alone in this.

Here are my ugly truths:
I avoid looking in the mirror so I don't have to see my body. When I do look, my focus is on my stomach, scarred forever and looking much like a deflated tire and I cry, wondering if I will ever feel sexy again.

I close to 60 bags of clothes in the garage. I am actually afraid to go through them. I don't know why. The same goes for the boxes that have been packed and untouched for over 5 years.

I think people think I am much more wonderful than I actually am. I am terrified of what will happen if they ever learn the truth...that I am just not that great.

I hate that I think awful things about myself, but I can't seem to stop the thoughts.

There's more of course...
I just didn't want you to be out there alone.

I love you! You are amazing. And I am so very proud of you. Why you ask? Because very few people have the courage to face themselves, and get right back up and take control.
I know the change won't happen over night...but it IS happening!

<3

Crystal said...

<3 :Great Huge hugs: <3

Thank you.

Martha Susan Parham Dambrell said...

It has been a while since I have read your blog, and I have to say that you have just written an amazing self reflection! Do you know how many people go through life and NEVER experience the depth of self that you were actually able to write about? (They need to; they just don't know it.) WOW!

Learning to push yourself to change your habits and outlook is especially hard when there is no outside force (like a job or crisis of some sort)requiring change. You are on the right track. You and Sandi are blessed to be friends who can help each other. You and Roger have each other too. Just don't expect him (or you for him) to be each other's savior. It really is up to you. And you can do it, one step at a time; one day at a time.
Maybe at night, right before you go to sleep, write down the first, most important thing that you will do the next day. Then get up and do it no matter what. Do this as long as it takes for it to become a habit. Then add something else. Don't get bogged down in the big picture. Take that one step and do it right.

What you desire is doable; it is desirable; it will make you happy. Keep your head up and spirits high as you move forward. And if you are in a rut, walk somewhere else!

You have one more cheerleader on your team! You go girl!

Crystal said...

Thank you so much Susan. It was hard to write but I did feel better afterwords. I feel like I have direction again. I keep floundering a little bit on making sure that important thing gets done everyday. So I will try your suggestion. Thank you again.

::HUGS::

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