Still fighting the good fight

In case you were wondering,  (And I know you were) I’m still out here. I’ve ben neglecting my blog as of late. The funny thing about that is, I feel like I have a million things to say. Somehow when I sit down here to write them though, my fingers don’t move and my churning thoughts come to rest.

Its almost Halloween! I should be brimming with Zombie humor and insight. But as it turns out lately I am very emotional and struggling each day to get by. There isn’t a major catastrophe going on or anything, but sometimes life just comes at you hard and fast.

I’m still looking for work. Our unemployment has run out and as it happens, the bills are piling up. I do have a pretty good shot at this one place though. More details on that when I have them. Hubby DID manage to get a job… but it’s far from the amount of hours we need right now. He works 1 day this week. I’m hoping that will get better as the season goes on.

We had plans to move this January. We’re really extremely excited about the move. We love the place we are trying to move to, and it’s ten minutes from the beach. I am so excited about this I don’t even know if I have the words. But, the money just isn’t going to be there. We are very hopeful that the classes hubby is attending right now will lead to work, but if they do, that means not moving until June. Well even if they don’t it means not moving until June anyway because of lack of funds.

My poor puppy has been in and out of the vet this past month with various things wrong. No worries though, all her skin is intact and she doesn’t smell like a rotting tomato or anything. She hasn’t succumbed to the zombie plague.

So, that’s just a little background on what my life looks like right now.

The good news is that I seem to have managed to break the ‘gain a week, lose a week, gain a week’ cycle I was on. I’ve not lost three weeks in a row. They are small losses but I will take them. I’m excited to be able to report that the 22 pants I was so excited to fit into, are becoming lose. I can slide them down without unbuttoning them. I’m getting close to that prize dress I have hanging on the back of my bedroom door.

Eating is being a problem this week. I dropped down to 34 points. I think I am subconsciously rebelling against this number or something. For some reason it is so much harder to stay below than 35 was. And I’m not going over by just 1 point either. So I need to figure out what my issue with that is. I really think I am just dealing with a lot of things mentally right now and I am somehow acting out against myself.

So I don’t have great triumphant things to write about right now. But maybe if I share what I am going through, I’ll be able to touch someone else going through the same thing. Sometimes knowing you aren’t alone is really half the battle. Remember when avoiding the zombies and surviving the horde, have a buddy. Watch each other’s back.

Up and Down

Hi there. It’s been a little while since I’ve updated the Zombie blog here. Sorry about that. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to write, but sometimes I lack inspiration. I don’t always have exciting zombie filled action to talk about.

Lately things have been a little rocks. I’m still losing, so that is really good. It’s been an up and down battle for a month or so now though. I’ll lose a little, and then the following week gain, and then take a week or two to lose more, and then gain… etc. I’ve been trying to watch my eating habits and how my activity points are adding up.

My activity definitely goes in an up and down pattern also. So that is part of it right there. Also, my eating fluctuates based on when in the month it is. At the beginning of the month we have food stamps, so we can go and do a big shopping trip and stock up on fresh healthy wonderful things. By the end of the month, things are tight and we’re eating less healthy and more possessed.

We’ve had the house to ourselves for most of this week though, so up until last night eating has gone really well. I’ve been enjoying mostly soup and salad for dinner and it has been making my tummy sing! Last night however, I got hit with the urge for hot dogs. Oh heavens the hot dogs.

Zombies are almost as attracted to hot dogs as they are to corn dogs. Our street has been zombie clear for a little while now, but last night I could see them coming. They could smell those hot dogs, man. They could tell I was getting fatter just sitting there. There was one trying to get on the porch and he had a chefs hat on. I hid the relish… I don’t want to give them ideas.

So, today it is back on track to try and have a good sowing for my weigh in on Monday. Some days I feel so confident about everything. Some days, not so much. It’s also very apparent, that eating is so linked to my emotional states. I mean, I know this. I think most of us do. I have however been able to watch the cycles lately though. This is a really stressful time right now. There are –things- happening in the background which I’ll bring to the foreground once I am a little bit more sure of them. These things however have me under a lot of stress. Stress makes me craze sweet things, it also makes me rebel in a strange way against doing things that are good for me.

I don’t understand why this happens, but at least I can watch for it. There are some hard decisions being made right now, and sometimes when that happens, I just want a hot dog. Or as the case may be lately… chocolate or a cookie. I just need to find that strength to reach inside and say… Okay, girl… I know. But come now, you know you want –THIS- more.

Unity

It’s motivational Monday here on the zombie blog. I was searching for something to write about today and thinking about what has been keeping me motivated lately. As you know, if you have been reading along, I recently fell off the wagon, dusted myself off, and got right back on. This is the point, in previous attempts and losing weight and getting healthy, where I would have quit. I didn’t quit though. I simply learned from the experience and kept on going.

Why? What is different this time? A couple of things are different. The first is, I just feel more committed than I did before. It’s not that I don’t want to look awesome, or get my fertility under control, because I do. Mostly though, I want to live and be healthy. The second thing, is that there is a horde of the undead chomping at my heels if I slow down. That will keep anyone moving, believe me! I don’t want to become one of those mindless eating machines that shuffles through life single mindedly looking for the next meal! Besides, you never get invited to the good parties when you’re a zombie.

The most important difference though, is a solid support system though. This time, there are other people on the journey with me who are as committed as I am. My best friend got me started because she was already doing Weight Watchers and it was working very well for her. Her mother, who is another awesome lady is doing it too and finding success! I started the program and fell in love with it. It works. Soon after I started, I was able to get my husband going on the program. It’s working for him too.

My journey has been made easier by having someone who lives with me and goes through the same eating minefield that I do every day. My parents, whom we live with, are about as far away from us on the eating spectrum as you can get. It’s a challenge to open the cupboards and the freezer on a daily basis and be bombarded with things you aren’t going to eat. That doesn’t mean they still aren’t tempting. I don’t fault them for this, or anyone else for that matter. Just as I don’t assume they will try and change the way I eat, I’m not going to make them change the way they eat. Of course I want them to be healthy, but I have enough to say on this matter that I am going to save it for another post.

The heart of the matter is, my husband and I fell off the wagon together, and we jumped back on together. When I shed tears because I was disappointed in myself he wiped them away and reminded me of all of the tremendous victories I’ve had so far. My best friend showed me how easy it was to dust yourself off and keep going when she had a few days that set her back on the scale, and she told me how proud she was for gaining a little weight and getting right back to it. We are all about self sufficiency today. But trust me when I tell you, for something this big, you need a group to unify around you. You will need them, and they will need you. I’m not afraid to rely on those closest to me for help with this journey, and I hope they all know that I am here for them also.

 

Remember, the zombies have a united front. You should too!

Lunch Date

Well this whole journey is about learning isn't it? Learning how to make positive life changes, learning what choices make me happy, learning how to be healthy AND happy, and of course learning how to avoid the zombies and their undead dominion.

Recently, I've learned quite a bit. I learned that while eating treats now and then helps keep me focused by reminding me that this journey isn't about suffering, that a three day binge is NOT ok. I also learned I am strong enough to recognize this and to dust myself off and keep right on going. I learned than even though it is hot and humid outside, I really do feel better when I walk in the evenings. On cooler days I even love when I get to walk during the days.

Today I'm going to put a learning experience into effect and see what happens. Not too long ago, we went out for sushi for lunch/dinner. I didn't over do it or over eat which was my first concern. I did however, got a bit over board on the points. Having fried foods in the sushi really did me in. So today I am going out to lunch with my wonderful supportive hubby. I plan to have California/Philadelphia rolls and Veggie rolls.

I'm making dinner tonight again also, so I know the points will be light. I'm confident in having an on point day!

Those zombies are falling behind again. "bbbrbrrraaaiiiiinnnnnssssss"

Yeah, keep on trecking zombies. You've got a long way to go to catch me. I've said it before, and I think it bears repeating. I don't mind someone staring at my butt, I just don't want them to be thinking "I want cheese on that" while doing it. Ha!

I also learned recently, that some new folks are joining us reading here on the zombie blog. Hi! I was thanked recently for sharing my personal journey. That really touched me. All I can say is... you're welcome and that it's my pleasure. I've taken so much from reading other people's stories, I hope I can give back in some way. I try to approach this all with a bit of humor and a lot of heart. If YOU need a cheerleader, just let me know. There more the merrier in the fight against the zombies!

The ups and downs

I went on Safari this month. Uh huh. Did you know that the animals of the Serengeti are subject to the zombie plague as well? You know what is dangerous about that? Well, other than hot plains full of undead animals.... They are FASTER than regular zombies!!! I wasn't prepared. I didn't have my running shoes! I didn't even have a real gun! I just had some fancy moves I've picked up throughout this journey. So, I took some scratches and tumbles. I scraped my knees, and dirtied up my new safari gear.

No... not really. But they did catch me this month. I've had my first gain since starting the program. I know it's a natural part of the process, but it's still hard to swallow. I gained 4lbs exactly. My anniversary was on the 16th, My uncles birthday party on the 20, and my husbands birthday on the 22nd. That was just a lot of events all at one time. If I'm going to be honest, I was so busy being in love on my anniversary that I didn't even bother to eat properly. I went on a food vacation. I will NEVER do that again. Oh god... I feel so god awful for having done it. Also, it's been making the good choices, the ones I was making without even thinking, SO MUCH HARDER. So for my own peace of mind, I won't be doing that again.

Watch out for those zombies. They can be tricksie!

The bottom line is... I knew I was going to have a small gain. I tried to prepare myself for it and it didn't really work. Now, I am very very eager to have a good on point week and rack up some activity points. I earned 16 last week, which is a new high for me. So my aim is to beat that this week. I've been walking in the evenings when it cools down ever so slightly. My goal is to also start yoga back up again. I want to be and feel stronger. I could really use t hat sense of well being and being able to take care of myself. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm being tossed around in the wind a bit.

When you're fighting the zombie plague, you definitely want to know you have a sturdy safe house to retreat to. I want my body to feel like my safe house again. I think it might take a few weeks to get back to that feeling. That scares me. I need to trust myself and get right back on the plan and do what I need to do. Backwards progress just tends to terrify me. On previous 'diets' this would usually be the point where I gave up. I can't let myself do that this time though. Before this gain, I was 32lbs lost. That's amazing to me and I can't let it stop there.

Results

I have been quiet lately. That doesn’t mean that I have been slacking of or anything though. I, for some reason, have just been feeling quiet. It might be because I have just been concentrating on taking care of me for a while. In any case, I thought it was time to share some progress.

(On a side not, I’m happy with my typing progress. The entire top paragraph was typed, without error, while watching my husband dance to Pink’s Raise Your Glass)

We had some bad news, which I may or may not have shared. But Hubby’s internship came to an end and he wasn’t hired on permanently, so he is out of work again. It’s just a bad time to be looking for work, but that isn’t really news these days, is it. But something we struggle with continually is not falling into a depression over the situation we find ourselves in. We lost our house not too long ago and steady well paying work hasn’t been seen in well over a year now. We are lucky to have people we can rely on and a place to live, but lets not pretend the blah’s and sadness don’t creep up more than we would like them to.

I used to be an emotional eater. I’m a recovering emotional eater? I’m not sure what to call it. When I am sad, depressed, bored… I want to eat. But I’m not. Since starting weight watchers, I just feel like I somehow out of the depths of my soul or something, have pulled the ability to control myself. I’ve developed self control. That doesn’t mean that I don’t indulge now and then, but I do it because I want to and not because I am REACTING to the situation around me. The urges are still there though. And each day is a little bit of a struggle. Those of you who live in a household where you don’t control what food is around will be able to commiserate with me. When you have a sweet tooth, but don’t want to just binge on sweets, but the cabinets are full of cookies, cakes and donuts, it’s a special kind of hell.

I am persevering though. This Monday when I weighed in, I not only hit my 10% lost, but I hit 30lbs gone. THIRTY POUNDS… that’s a toddler. A TODDLER, PEOPLE! I posted it on Facebook. And some of my friends asked for a photo. So I asked hubby to take one of me. As I was loading the picture onto my computer, I decided to clear the memory card and sort all of my pictures.

Oh. My. GOD. I found pictures from before I started WW. They are pictures from the beginning of the year, around my birthday. I almost cried. I feel so sorry for the girl in those pictures. I barely recognized me. I finally realized that no, I’m not imagining my clothes are fitting loser. I’m not imagining that I can actually see my smile better when I smile. I’m not imagining that I really CAN fit into that shirt that was too small at the beginning of the year. This is really happening. I am really making it happen.

It sounds silly I realize, but somewhere in the back of my head, all of the little results I was seeing were because I wanted to see results. They weren’t because my efforts were actually paying off. I knew the numbers on the scale were moving, but it’s hard to really put that into perspective for yourself.

So… would you like to see the pictures?

Around 280

Around 250

I can certainly see the difference.

Motivational Monday

It’s Monday here again on the Zombie blog. It’s time for a dose of motivation. Well, as of this morning I am now down a total of 19.8lbs. Almost 20lbs in 8 weeks. That’s amazing! I’m so proud of myself. I’m actually doing it! I’ve had a couple of downs to go with my ups, but I am doing it and it feels great.
Now when you start really feeling accomplished about things, it motivates you to do other things to. For one it motivates you to do things like….
NOT LET THE HORDES OF LIVING DEAD GET A HOLD OF YOU!!!!
Let me show you something…
.
You see that? That hair practically touches my butt. That is the perfect length for the hordes of zombies to get their mangy hands into it. How horrible! Out running the hordes of zombies with hair flying in the breeze and suddenly… SLCHTZZ!! Yanked off your feet my your hair….
I had to do something. So what does a girl do in a situation like this? She calls he best friend over, accompanied by her little escort… to help you protect yourself from the zombie invasion.
She went to work, a snip snip here, a little razor work there. The result!!!!


The completely zombie proof (Ultra awesome) do! No denizens of the undead or going to get their finger-missing hair in this mop! Not to mention, I look awesome.
In order to outrun the undead, and out think the smarter of the horde, you need your brain to be functioning. I can tell you that under that pound of hair we cut off, my brain was NOT functioning. In fact, I even walked into one of their traps which I had been navigating just fine. You see, when the zombies can’t catch you, they will try and infiltrate your house with those things that will slow you down… like cookies, and fried chips and donuts and things. They almost got me. The cookies were too irresistible. But now I have a cool brain and I can think again.
GO on, Try again Zombies. This round goes to me!

ETA: I am now up to a spem whale's brain and a human brain lost.  (Just like you Girl!) It's a damn good thing I chopped the locks now!

Quiet

I’ve been quiet. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to write. I have. I just haven’t been able to formulate what to say. This is the zombie blog after all and it has been woefully without a good dose of zombie in a while.

My best friend proposed a reason for this. Perhaps it is because they aren’t breathing down your neck anymore?

BRILLIANT. This explains what I have been feeling and not really able to put words to. I haven’t felt that angsty anxious fear that lends it self so well to writing humorously. I am making progress. I am making very good progress. I feel good about my food choices and while I Know that I am not getting enough activity (YET), I am working on it.

I know the zombies are out there. They are still lurking in the trees and around the sides of old houses. They come in waves and they come in numbers. You can’t stop and rest and be content to be sedentary and unhealthy because that is when they sneak up on you. Oh yes, sneaky little buggers that they are.

But right now, I am actually losing weight. I am doing it in a healthy way. I am living a lifestyle that isn’t HARD for me so it IS maintainable. And for right now, the zombies are in the background.

I am sure when I am ready to really get back into a fitness routine, that they will be back. They will gain a burst of speed to come chasing after me if I want to skip a workout. For now though, I have the upper hand. It feels great.

I’ve now lost a total of 15.6lbs. I can see the results which is amazing to me. I can actually tell I am losing tummy fat. AMAZING. My jean shorts fit a little better. It’s actually happening. I’m excited for the changes that are happening. I’m excited to see what I start to look like as I lose the fat I’ve had my entire life. I think most of all, I’m excited to just not feel hopeless anymore.

Sticky Note Saturday

Motivation

Freebie Friday here on the Zombieblog!

“How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” – Martin Luther

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” – Mark Victor Hansen

Today I was struck with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and motivation. I actually began to get things done around the house. I wasn’t suddenly cleaning and organizing because I had to, but because I wanted to.

I wish I could harness that feeling. It left me all to soon. I got distracted trying to solve and organizational problem. In our super tiny living room, we need a better solution for how to store the TV, game systems, DVD’s, games, remotes and controllers. There is quite a lot of equipment to store in a small space. I wasn’t happy with the solutions we had available, mainly moving the dvd shelves (which I don’t really like in the first place) under the tv. We’re actually losing DVD storage space. This is being done so that (hopefully) my computer and chair will fit in there. It’s all so frustrating.

I browsed craigslist for a while hoping the perfect entertainment center would be there. When it wasn’t I started browsing dressers as I very likely could make a long dresser work if the drawers were the proper shape. I got frustrated though. And then I got distracted again…

By now I am sure you have figured out I have completely lost my focus and my drive. I now have a bunch of cleaning in the partially done state and I am frustrated that I haven’t gotten anything finished. (I also have a gnat flying around my face I keep missing that is driving me slightly insane)

Its funny how my struggles with weight loss follow almost these exact pattern lines. I get excited and motivated and start doing it all. Then something comes along to distract me. Sometimes it’s a zombie with an awesome naughty food treat trying to slow me down so they can chomp my brains. Sometimes it is that I am so enamored with the plan I have for losing the weight that I spend so much time massaging it and tweaking it and not enough time actually enacting it that I lose momentum. I love having a plan. In fact I really don’t function without one. So why is that I am so disorganized that I can’t seem to keep myself on track with anything.

So now I need to try and pull myself back together. I need to go hang the laundry out and for heavens sake put the laundry away that is already folded. Then there are things I really want to get done, but I won’t be comfortable working on them until everything is clean. I’m a bit anal like that. So I want to work on the blanket I am designing. I want to crochet more of my flower motifs. I want to practice making a Dorset button. I want to sketch a bit more before the necklace ideas leave my brain. But all of there things require me to be able to get into the creative mindset and sort of court my muse. My muse does not like clutter. She doesn’t like mess. She doesn’t like things screwing with the energy flow if she is around. I know how to please her. I just don’t like doing the chores.

Now… if my inner goddess would come out and tell me so precisely what she needs to be happy so I could really get the weight loss journey going, that would be really nice. I might not want to do the chores either, but at least then I would know how to placate her. She will NOT be pleased if I end up as some undead boogers brain burger.

Friends

Find what it is in this world that is worth succeeding for.

 

Motivational Monday

George Bernard Shaw
You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

Ralph Marston
Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Lee Iacocca
You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.

This past week has been amazing. One of my best friends in the world came to visit. He was the best man at my wedding and I haven’t seen him in EIGHT years. That is so long. I didn’t even realize how long it was until he was here again.

A few thoughts that tie in… The first is that I completely didn’t track points the entire time he was here. So I derailed for the week. I want to say that I feel badly about it. I don’t though. I haven’t seen him in eight years and the week was about DOING and BEING and LOVING.

Today however, is a new day. Today I am ready to get back in the saddle. I am ready to get back to my points and walking. For the record I tried to go walking today and it was just too hot. I gave myself a wicked headache walking from the house to the end of the driveway and I hid in the shade on the way there. I deemed it unsafe to walk in that heat and came back inside.

But I am not giving up. Above, I have copied some quotes that are speaking to me today. I have never been skinny. I have never been fit. I have never known what it is like to not feel, in some way, unhappy with my body. But I dream of it. I dream about being able to look in the mirror and just smile at myself. I dream about walking through my house without bumping into things. I dream about running down shady streets lined with trees and feeling my hair bounce on my back and wind in my face. I dream of no infertility issues. I dream about buying new clothes. They are great dreams. It’s time for them to become reality. I know I can do this.

That is where the perseverance comes in. I haven’t been very good at this part. That doesn’t mean I can’t be though. These are the pep talks I give myself. Just because I haven’t managed to do it yet, doesn’t mean that I can’t do it. I’m human, and sometimes it doesn’t work and I really do feel like I can’t do it. I usually have a good cry then and try and find the answers. Today though, isn’t one of those days. I really feel good. I feel good despite all of the things going on with the house and the money. I feel good even though my heart aches a little. I guess maybe good isn’t the word for what I am feeling. I think the word might be confident.

I want to be around for many more of life’s perfect moments.

Anger

Wild Card Sunday is here again… I’m going to talk a little bit about anger.

I am so tired of being angry. I feel I am angry all of the time right now. I have no where to put this emotion. Even when I am not actively angry, something small and insignificant can just infuriate me. This is because I am not being able to get rid of the hurt/bad/irate feelings that build up at any given time.

How do you approach any situation to defuse it and talk about it when you KNOW you are over reacting and blowing things out of proportion because you aren’t in a good headspace in the first place.

It’s just effecting everything so badly. I’m angry I can’t seem to control my eating. I’m gaining weight. I’m angry that I am jealous that my friends around the net are losing weight.

I wanted to be a Big Eagle this coming term, but I clearly am not in a good enough head space to be levelheaded and mentor people. I don’t want them to have an experience like I did.

This is very random. My mind is jumping about to several topics. I hate that I am so angry about things I shouldn’t be angry about. You know, it has gotten to the point where I don’t even know when I am valid in being angry anymore. Maybe I SHOULD be angry, but I just can’t accept that at face value because I know I’ve been blowing things out of proportion.

I just need a vacation from my life.

Weight Check Wednesday

I’m actually refusing to get on the scale today. I just don’t need that in my face right now. I may need to find a new topic to blog about on Wednesdays. Suggestions?

I'm feeling a little better today. I think getting out what I could, actually did help yesterday. The world in general just seems a little less bleak today. New challenges are always waiting for us. I just feel a little bit more ready to face them today.

I took S's advice and rather than wallowing in the fact that I haven't yet started weight watchers, I just took some time to get my notebook out and figure out my points. Do you know what? I actually remembered to think about points and what I was eating this morning.

So Right now I have rice cooking and I am making black beans to go with it. My kitchen smells amazing right now. I must remain vigilant and stay on my guard in case the Zombies wander to closely.

Speaking of wandering Zombies... I was sort of afraid there was going to be a massive attack right on the porch this morning. Mom and Dad were asking us if we ate certain foods. It's getting time to do grocery shopping around here. So first off was... Do we eat Sloppy Joes. While I dislike this sloppy meat creation, R likes them very much. Next on the list... Fish Sticks... then Salisbury Steak... finally Pot Pies... I began to get fidgety. THIS FOOD IS SO PROCESSED!! It's like ZOMBIE FODDER!

Don't get me wrong, I can find a few of these things tasty... but come on now. I’m going to have to get in control of the food I am eating. We have a rule here, that whomever is cooking chooses what to cook. You however, are not obligated to eat it. So it’s a good idea to have an emergency meal ready just in case you aren’t happy with the evening selection. This came about because on the whole, my parents eat pretty different food from my husband and I. FORTUNATELY, they have seemed to enjoy all of the dishes I have prepared so far.

I’m just nervous about the processed food. I just need to remember that I don’t have to eat it.

???

I found this bumper sticker when I was browsing around. Funny... and accurate. Do you know what the vehicle is? It's me. It's my body. Turning inward and actually looking at the things that are wrong is the only way I am going to get this vehicle into fighting shape. We all know the zombies aren't particularly fast, but they come in numbers. Oh boy, do they come in numbers. I think my zombies that came to tea have multiplied.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and not much writing. I chose to revamp the blog in the middle of moving. I think part of me did that on purpose. I wanted a distraction. I wanted another THING to keep me from having to look at the situation I am in.

I'm 30 years old. I'm Morbidly Obese. I've recently gone through a bankruptcy, and now I am going through a foreclosure. I have body issues. I have self esteem issues. I have some anxiety issues and some issues that I don't have names for just yet. I am a master at distraction.

But here is the truth of it... I say that. I think it's the truth. I am doing my best to find the truth. I'm working on my truth. And the truth is... I don't like where I am. I've gained... 6 or 7 lbs since moving. Some of it is stress I am sure. Some of it is eating A LOT more processed food. And part of it is not having renewed my body bugg subscription yet. It's somehow easier to make excuses to not work out when the numbers aren't staring you in the face. But it's entirely possible that this is our very last week of unemployment. So who knows when I'll be able to afford it again right now.

I hope that isn't an excuse. I am so tired of them. I'm beginning to wonder if I even know what they look like when they show up anymore. It's frustrating.

I don't feel like I have the right to be unhappy. I'm trying to be supportive to my husband as he struggled to find a job, stay on top of his school work, and not submit to his own depression that is brewing. I'm so grateful to have my parents take us in with losing our house. I've talked myself into seeing only the good side. We can't afford our house or our bills... this is a good thing. Here I go again. I don't let myself see the things that I new would break me before even making the move. I.... I don't even feel comfortable writing about it all. I feel ungrateful complaining.

I feel on the edge of tears all the time.

I am filling my day with distractions instead of actually getting things done. I need to finish moving. I need to close the door on that part of my life. It's unexpectedly hard. When I go over to the house to try and clean or pack boxes, I become overwhelemed emotionally. It makes me sad to be there. I feel like a failure. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. How much of it is my fault? How much of this could have been avoided.

And underneath all this... are my feelings of failure because I can't seem to lose the weight or keep it off. Another of my friends has gotten pregnant, which always sends me over the deep end for a little while. I was going to start weight watchers again on Monday, because I was so successful with it. I would be doing it on my own though as I obviously can't afford to actually go. But here it is Tuesday and I haven't actually started yet.

This isn't it for me right? I mean I'm not just going to be fat and feel medicore about things forever. Life has to have more in store for me than that.

At least, I am thankful for a loving family, loving friends and the great love of my life. Love at the very least isn't something I am short of. Thank goodness for that.

Freebie Friday

It's freebie Friday here at the Zombie blog. Basically, this is my one night a week where I get to check in without something profound to say. So for tonight I am just going to let you all know that Hubby and I have been moving boxes of BOOKS and bookshelves all day and I am exhausted. So I am going to go knit on my jellyfish and go to bed! Night all!

Structuring

Hello There! I've had a blogging epiphany. I don't blog well when I have nothing to talk about. Surprising ey?

So I am working on a structure, and a plan to give myself something to write about each day. The more in touch I am with my goals, the more success I have. This blog is a 'tangible' way I stay in touch with my goals and with you readers!

So starting the second week in March or so, there 'SHOULD' be daily blogs. I would start sooner, but I am going to be away without internet access.

Exciting things coming!

It hurts... the good hurt.

My whole body is killing me. My legs especially are feeling the most pain. Yesterday I walked for something like seven hours.

Yesterday My husband, my best friend and her mother and I all went to the Ren Fest. It was one of the most amazing fun times I have had in a long time. I actually usually have no trouble at all getting into character at these things, but yesterday was an exception to that rule. The accent wouldn't come, the in character wittiness wouldn't come and it all didn't matter. It was jst so much fun to walk walk walk and look at all of the shops and especially with someone who hadn't been in so long. (S's Mother)

Next year we'll be all going again and bringing S's little boy which will be so amazing also!

So, I even had a few triumph moments.

First of all, I walked for something like seven hours. Secondly, I refused free donuts!! I ate half a giant turkey leg and I did eat a whole soup in a bread bowl. That was probably a bit cal heavy, but I do the ren fest once a year or so. Hubby and I each got our own, but next year we'll probably split one because it was reall yhuge. It was bigger than I anticipated it being. Then we had decided it was alright to get a funnel cake. By the end of the day I decided I just didn't really need a funnel cake. (They are huge ethere) So instead on the way out we got a fresh scone with strawberries and whip cream on it and we split that. So I am really proud of yesterday.

I got souvenirs! (I also got some awesome pictures) Since I am moving I wanted to make sure that I didn't bring home 'STUFF'. So I got a decoration for my hair and a hisp scarf that jingles. I do love wearing things in my hair so I will get a lot of use out of that, and the hip scarf is for dressing up my jeans and also for when I practice my belly dance DVD. The instructor says to ear a hips scarf so you know if you're doing the hip movement enough. If you don't do it hard enough to get a jingle, you're doing something wrong.

My husband got a couple of new pieces for his outfit. I'm so glad! He's wanted to start working on his outfit for years. Now he's finally getting the chances. It's awesome. :D

So that was yesterday. Tons of walking, good food choices. I'm a happy girl!

Running

I've been running for a couple of months now. I'm getting really very good at it. My stamina is increasing and I'm getting further and further than I could when I started.

The problem is... I'm not running out on the street, on the treadmill or even at the gym. I'm running in my mind. I've been spending so much time and effort running away from myself. I've been running from my missed obligations. I've been running from my stressful situation. Mostly, and most devastatingly, I've been running away from how I feel. I've been running from how I feel about almost everything.

I came into the beginning of this year with a good attitude, determination, a plan and a dedication to succeed. I lost my motivation quickly. Why? Because I was using them as excuses and reasons to not really face the problem. Of course they were good ideas, I'm very good at that. I'm the master at making a good sound plan so I don't actually have to fix what is wrong.

Tonight everything to come to a head. I was finally forced to confront how far I have run. I was finally forced to confront how much distance there is between where I am, where I thought I was and where I actually want to be. I was forced to actually feel all the things I have been feeling and have been able to push away. I was forced to acknowledge the fact that no one has put me in this position but me. It isn't anyone elses fault.

These are the results of my choices. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I don't like myself very much. I think I am a good person. I like my morals and my views. I think I am a good friend. I think I am a loving wife. But I don't take care of myself at all and I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't like the way I think about certain things... food and exercise obviously, but other things too. I don't like that I trade my well being, emotionally and physically, for a few moments of instant pleasure. You know what I dislike even more than that? Many times, it's not even instant pleasure. It's simply less work. I hate that I treat myself like I am not worth the effort. How did I let things get this bad?

This all started with a very negative thought. I couldn't help but think... about how far I am from where I want to be. If I had just stuck with things, did what I knew I was supposed to do and gotten control of myself... then would be where I want to be right now instead of where I am.

Overweight. Depressed. Driveless. Unhealthy. Tired.

It caught me by surprised. Yes. I am actually feeling these things. I feel awful. I feel bad almost all of the time. Everyone talks about how well I am handling the foreclosure and the move. Everyone talks about how great my attitude about it all is. That's true. But on the inside, I feel awful. I just refused to acknowledge it all.

It was then I realized that I am miles away from where I THOUGHT I was. I've been hiding from how I feel for so long that I really had no idea all of these things were down in there. I've recently been talking about feeling stuck and very stressed out. It's no wonder really. Here I was wondering why I couldn't take the turn... it's because I've been walking into a wall this whole time but I wasn't paying attention to where I was actually going. A bit metaphorical, but true.

I did eventually work around to the fact that thinking like that isn't going to help anyone, least of all me. When did I gain such a shallow perception of myself that it is OKAY to gloss over the unhappy bits. When I did get the notion that this would somehow make it all better?

Probably around the same time I realized I hated looking in the mirror....

I have so many plans for my life. I've started living so many times and then stopped because I got lazy.

I. Got. Too. Lazy. To. Live. My. Life.

What is wrong with me? I'm afraid to turn around. If I do that will be just enough for the zombies to grab me. Seriously, they are that close. They stink... and they do not articulate well. And one of them went out for cheese... this is not good.

Confession time. Because it's important for me to reflect on how bad it has gotten.

I've had sex maybe once in the last month or two.
Before tonight it had been a month since I showered.
I haven't left the house in over a month unless we had company over.
I let the dishes build up until there was literally nothing left to cook with or eat off of.
There have been many nights were I was too lazy to cook so we ate junk for dinner.

It goes on.. these are the main things.

Before I sat and actually got acquainted with my feelings about all of this... I WAS FINE with it all. How can I possibly be fine with that?

So my husband and I talked about a lot of things. I cried. Then I got my backside up. I cleaned our the shower, and I scrubbed my silly self from crown to toes. I needed it.

Apart from feeling clean... I feel lighter. I am able to face myself and say... see, you are worth some time and effort. THINGS and DISTRACTIONS aren't more important than YOU. The feeling actually made me cry. It's coming home - how much advantage I have been taking of myself. I don't let other people take advantage of me (to the best of my ability) but I wasn't immune from doing it to myself.

My husband and I made these great plans on how to help motivate each other to reach these goals we are having issues with. I don't disclose his, but mine involve weight-loss and fitness. We drew awesome flow charts and wrote schedules out on how to help each other for each step of the way. And then we promptly forgot about them. I sat on the couch talking to him tonight and came to a realization. I said... I can handle anything, but there are two main things I need help with. Just two things, and I will be able to handle the rest on my own.. I had to stop and laugh after this. The next realization I had struck me as funny.

A little back story.

Weight loss is not magic. It's math. Plain and Simple. The entire bajillion dollar industry is built on the simple fact that for the math to work you need to eat less and move more. Now, there are a bajillion different ways to go about this and each person has individual needs, but the premise remains the same. It's a multi-gazillion dollar industry based on math. Subtraction at that, not even calculus or long division even. So the next time your kid says why do we need math, give that to them for some thought.

So the two things I decided I just needed help with. I thought..."If I could only get some help with my food choices, and making sure I don't skip my workouts..." Then I started to laugh..

Oh yeah... eat less... move more... duh!

It was funny.. but also again made me take a good long look at a part of me I have been avoiding. I tend to find these moments of clarity when I'm talking with S. I told her early this year that there is no magic button this time. The only thing left is to just do it. Stop planning to do it, stop talking about doing it, and finally just do it even though its going to be hard. I wish I could hold onto the clarity.

Oh yeah, that involves actually facing how your feeling about things. What a mess.

So where am I now. Well, for one thing, I'm clean. I went into the clean laundry (which has ben sitting for a couple of weeks and needs to be put away) and pulled out my gym clothes. I hung them on a hanger on my bedroom door so I put them on tomorrow. I'm making a list of things that we need very much and we're actually going out to get them tomorrow after the gym.

I made myself stop and think. I actually feel good about this.

It's still not easy though. There is this part of me having a tantrum and stamping its feet telling me that it doesn't want to go out tomorrow. There is a part of me trying to tell me what a failure I have been. I'm trying to acknowledge, but not listen to either of them. Right now, I'm just trying to be good to me.

So, this blog has a slightly new purpose. Of course there will still be zombie funnies... Even though most of those funnies are about real issues I am dealing with. But I also need this blog to help me keep track of myself. I need it to help me make sure I don't treat myself with so little worth. It's painful.

So if you're still reading, thank you. You're more than welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe, my journey will help further your journey. At the end of the day, maybe we all leave the zombies behind.

Day 17

I haven't recorded all of my food yet today, but I know I am within calories. Also, I drank all of my water yesterday. I think I am finally finding my way back on the wagon. I don't even have anything to blame the last slip on. I just became overwhelmed with life. I seriously need to get over myself sometimes. I stress way too much. I have enough going on that is actually stressful and worthy of being stressed over that I need to let the rest of it just ride and simply do what needs to be done. The concept is not hard.

Also, today was a weigh in day. Do you know, I completely forgot? This is exciting! It means that for once, I was not obsessing over the scale and what it might say. I'm trying to lose 12lbs in 12 weeks as my first weight loss goal. My first weigh in saw me three pounds up... not good. So I totally freaked out and as a result emotional eating ensued. But this week I have just been trying to chill out and THINK about what I am eating before I eat it. It's been a good experience so far.

Some Progress Markers...

When cooking dinner I refrained from snacking. I reminded myself I was making food, and that I would have to record anything I snacked on. It wasn't worth the effort.

I have now realized the soda I was drinking on occasion does in fact contain caffeine, so when this box is gone, I am giving up soda again. I am not upset about this.

I MISS being active and walking. Tomorrow is date day. We're going to a movie (possibly). Trying out a new restaurant, responsibly... AND... Going walking. It's part of our date and we're happy about this. SUCCESS.