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I have been quiet lately. That doesn’t mean that I have been slacking of or anything though. I, for some reason, have just been feeling quiet. It might be because I have just been concentrating on taking care of me for a while. In any case, I thought it was time to share some progress.

(On a side not, I’m happy with my typing progress. The entire top paragraph was typed, without error, while watching my husband dance to Pink’s Raise Your Glass)

We had some bad news, which I may or may not have shared. But Hubby’s internship came to an end and he wasn’t hired on permanently, so he is out of work again. It’s just a bad time to be looking for work, but that isn’t really news these days, is it. But something we struggle with continually is not falling into a depression over the situation we find ourselves in. We lost our house not too long ago and steady well paying work hasn’t been seen in well over a year now. We are lucky to have people we can rely on and a place to live, but lets not pretend the blah’s and sadness don’t creep up more than we would like them to.

I used to be an emotional eater. I’m a recovering emotional eater? I’m not sure what to call it. When I am sad, depressed, bored… I want to eat. But I’m not. Since starting weight watchers, I just feel like I somehow out of the depths of my soul or something, have pulled the ability to control myself. I’ve developed self control. That doesn’t mean that I don’t indulge now and then, but I do it because I want to and not because I am REACTING to the situation around me. The urges are still there though. And each day is a little bit of a struggle. Those of you who live in a household where you don’t control what food is around will be able to commiserate with me. When you have a sweet tooth, but don’t want to just binge on sweets, but the cabinets are full of cookies, cakes and donuts, it’s a special kind of hell.

I am persevering though. This Monday when I weighed in, I not only hit my 10% lost, but I hit 30lbs gone. THIRTY POUNDS… that’s a toddler. A TODDLER, PEOPLE! I posted it on Facebook. And some of my friends asked for a photo. So I asked hubby to take one of me. As I was loading the picture onto my computer, I decided to clear the memory card and sort all of my pictures.

Oh. My. GOD. I found pictures from before I started WW. They are pictures from the beginning of the year, around my birthday. I almost cried. I feel so sorry for the girl in those pictures. I barely recognized me. I finally realized that no, I’m not imagining my clothes are fitting loser. I’m not imagining that I can actually see my smile better when I smile. I’m not imagining that I really CAN fit into that shirt that was too small at the beginning of the year. This is really happening. I am really making it happen.

It sounds silly I realize, but somewhere in the back of my head, all of the little results I was seeing were because I wanted to see results. They weren’t because my efforts were actually paying off. I knew the numbers on the scale were moving, but it’s hard to really put that into perspective for yourself.

So… would you like to see the pictures?

Around 280

Around 250

I can certainly see the difference.

Part of the solution?

It’s Thursday here at the zombie blog. And that means it’s time to delve into a random thing I have been thinking about. I have to show you this T-Shirt graphic I found.

How perfect. Zombies are part of the precipitate. They are what is left over. They are what falls out of the stream. They are everything you wish you had done but came up with an excuse not to.

I want to be a part of the solution. This morning has been good. Yeah, I actually said that. It has been a good morning. I woke up, and despite having a stiff neck and nightmares, I greeted my hubby with a cheerful good morning. Then he asked me to go to the track this morning.

I wanted to resist going to workout with every fiber. However, we have a deal. If one of us manages to come up with the gumption to go do something physical, the other person MUST be supportive and cannot opt out of going. (Barring severe illness or injury of course) So what I really wanted to say was…. I don’t want to. But I will go if you want me to. I didn’t say that. I said… Ok. I had my breakfast shake, got dressed, and we went to the walking track, puppy in tow of course.

It was HOT despite the fact it wasn’t even 11 yet. But we went and we started walking and we didn’t go fast. I have lost my stamina. I need to recondition my body. But we went and we walked and we talked like old times. It was so much fun. Admittedly, the working out headaches have come back and I am disappointed about that. However, I walked the full mile. We stopped for just a couple of minutes to sit in the shade. This was mostly because we are all, Lucy included, getting used to being active in the heat again. I am so proud of myself. I really am. I am proud that I didn’t say no this morning. I am proud that I walked the full mile. I am proud that I am being honest about how I feel about it.

Lunch wasn’t terribly healthy. It was burritos with the trimmings. But I wrote it all down. I wrote down everything I ate yesterday. I am doing well for day 2 now. I feel like there might actually be some light at the end of this tunnel. Now, as soon as we can afford it, I’ll get my body bugg up and running again. Right now, I am listening to my body. I am eagerly waiting to notice that my knees don’t hurt as much, or I don’t get winded so quickly.

I am realizing now how important these things were to me before. When all that mattered to me were the numbers on the scale, I didn’t realize how much these non scale related signs meant to me. Just like when I lost 25lbs in a month and didn’t realize what an accomplishment that was. Having fallen way down and needing to pick myself up again is allowing me to see all of those things that were so important but that I was so obsessed with other things to notice.

Think About it Thursday

Okay. Right now, I am thinking about moving. Plain and Simple. I"m also thinking about how I am still not taking care of myself like I want to be. I am finding that I don't feel like I have enough time in the day to take care of me. Moving is just sucking up my existence. Must. Get. To. This. Weekend. Ugh!

After this weekend all of the essentials will be moved over. Enough of our furniture will be in the new place that we will be living there. Yesterday we took care of the important things like combining cable accounts, and scheduling a gas pick up for the tank.

Incidentally, this was a huge rip off. They are CHARGING us 85$ to come and get the tank, and then 1$ a gallon to take the gas back out... How much does this suck. There goes the money we thought we would use to replace the vacuum cleaner.

PS Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Think About it Thursday

It's Thursday! Indeed. Thursday is going to be a highlight of what I am thinking about right now. I have entirely too much in my brain and I have gotten away from regular blogging to sort of declutter myself. So now, Thursdays are specifically for that.

First of all, does anyone use a desktop publisher for their blog? I don't really like the way blogger handled adding photos to posts. It's clunky and placement is a pain. I started researching them yesterday, but if anyone has a recommendation, I would love to have it.

Also I feel myself slowly transitioning into a reading phase. I love to read, but I go through phases. When I am in a reading phase, I devour books and can be at times insatiable and a bit irritable when the library has the nerve to be actually closed. But when I am not in a reading phase, even books which I adore can take me months to get through. I think it might have something to do with focus. Sometimes I simply feel too antsy to sit and be absorbed.

But I am reading two books in particular right now. One is called The Four Day Win by Martha Beck. It's generally about how to approach eating and your health from a non emotionally charged standpoint. I have long said that my biggest goal is to be in charge of my food and not have it be in charge of me. That is essentially what this is about. I've not yet gotten very far into the book because it is some heavy reading. But I have been enjoying it very much so far. She employs a visualization technique that while I haven't mastered, I am enjoying. Basically you begin to visualize both halves of yourself that take control when you are trying to lose weight. The little super soldier that says you must do everything absolutely right, and the wild child that in an effort to protect you, tells you to do everything exactly the way you want to do it at that moment. The idea is to eventually realize that you aren't actually either of these personae. It's a bit complicated to explain.

The second bit part of the book though deals with goal making. I'm a very goal oriented person so I am loving this part. Basically, it breaks it down into 'four day wins'. If you want to change your behavior, you start with 4 day bursts. This is actually working. 4 'four day wins' strung together is enough to build a habit. This part I am identifying with regularly.

The other book I am working through right now is Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. This book is basically all about understanding the natural cycles of the female body. I have long been envious of women with 'normal', natural, and predictable cycles. When I still had insurance, I was going to the doctor for help with my cycles. (Remember that whole honesty in posts thing, this is your chance to check out if TMI bothers you) I don't menstruate on anyone's schedule. Over the course of my life I've been known to go for MONTHS without a cycle, to the other extreme which I am living through now where I only get at most a week or two between bleeds, and those can last upwards of 2 months. It's sucks. But I had a bajillion tests run and everything seems to be fine with the exception that I am morbidly obese. The doctor feels I really need to lose the weight to see an improvement. The fat cells in my body are altering the amount of estrogen that should be there and as a result, there are not the normal rise and fall or hormones. These are the natural indicators your body uses to do what it's supposed to do. SO essentially, by body is without directions.

But the book is a good read. It's allowing me that much more insite into something my body should do naturally and will do again when I am healthy. I REALLY wish so much of this information had been made available to me when I was young and just starting to learn about my body and menstruation. I think this should have been core reading for health class. This book is definitely going on the amazon wishlist as even if I do manage to finish it before it needs to go back to the library, I am sure I will want a copy for reference.