Saturday, August 25, 2012

Down but not out.

I've been dreading writing this post. Writing this post means that I am ready to look at my behavior and actually do something about it. Writing this post means becoming accountable for my actions as of late. Mostly, writing this post means telling you all what I've been keeping inside.

I really fell off the wagon. I let myself get into a very bad place. I didn't fall off. I jumped off with abandon. I ran from it. I went completely off my healthy lifestyle. I was struggling for so long with the healthy choices I had made. No, I was struggling with sticking to them. The weight stopped coming off and I got sad and depressed. I began to think, what is the point of working so hard for no reward?

Of course that was the completely wrong way to be looking at it. I knew that then, but I couldn't shake it. So I went back to my old ways. All of my old ways.

Guess what? Predictably... ALL the old weight came back. This isn't completely true. I'm not back to my original weight. I did put a lot of the weight back on though. I feel awful. I look awful. My skin and hair are a mess. My clothes are tight. I just feel awful.

So I decided it was time to come clean about what I've been doing to myself. It's time to face the fact that I am making myself feel awful. I am being my own worst enemy. No one came make the good choices for me. I've been hiding away not wanting anyone to know what I was doing. I almost felt like if no one else knew how badly I was treating my body, then I wouldn't know either. You can't hide from yourself though can you?

You can't hide from those damn zombies either. They always know. They are drawn to the unhealthiness. I will beat you zombies. Just you wait! I'm coming for you... now that I've stopped hiding....

Today for the first time in a long time, I got the measuring cups out. I had a non sugary cereal for breakfast with fat free milk. Next time I'll use my Almond Milk, but I need to get more from the store first. I've began to look for healthy recipes again, and using Pinterest to pin motivational quotes and images. Want to see one?

Look how curvy and beautiful she looks. I honestly don't want to be a stick of a person. I know that the images we're confronted with each day are distorted. So I realized that I don't know what healthy looks like. I went looking for pictures form yesteryear before .... well before mass media did what it does. I've been looking at a lot of the old black and white photos from the 50's and 60's. Of course the women are beautiful and trim... but they don't look like today's Modern Concept of Beauty... at least not to me. See that roundness to her stomach? That is my favorite part. I love it.

So I need to make changes. Again, unsurprisingly, there has been no change with the infertility issues either. I didn't think I would need a stronger motivator to take the weight off than that. It's phenomenally hard to me for some reason to keep my long term goals in my mind at crucial moments. I wish there was a way to train myself to not be to instant gratification oriented.

I guess the important thing to note here... is that I am taking the steps to get my life back. Living for food is lame. Let me tell you... SO LAME. I have so many other things that are more important to me that there is no real reason for me to feel enslaved to food. So... a small list of things I find more important...

Walks in the park with my Love and my Puppy.
Finally getting to have my own babies.
RUNNING... like a real runner...
Treating this temple of mine like it deserves to be treated.
Many long years with my friends and family.
Walks on the beach.
Splashing in the waves.

I think a new project needs to be started. I need a new motivational/goal poster so I can see the things I am aiming for every day. Look for it in a future post.


Fat Girl vs. World said...

My "motivational poster" (really just a mental picture) is a younger version of me at a point when i really needed help and guidance. And it says "I've come back for you."

you wrote "I wish there was a way to train myself to not be to instant gratification oriented." And well, I think that's a huge point with people who have food addictions. The feeling of being full and satisfied when it comes to hunger translates to feeling safe and secure.

So I ask you this -- what is the food enabling you to run away from? Figure that out and you'll be one step closer to realizing that food is nutrition and fuel, not happiness, not safety, and not just pleasure.

Sandelightful said...

Oh so happy to see you back <3 This is one of my favorite posts ever!

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