Sunday, June 27, 2010

Success and then Confessions...

Today going to the gym was absolutely fantastic. First thing was first. I hadn't done my strength workout since APRIL. *Hangs head in shame* I know, I know. I know how important it is to build muscle as well as shed fat. I know this. I just tend to get tunnel vision. I have decided to widen my tunnel.

I mean let's look at this practically for a moment. Just RUNNING from the zombies isn't enough. Invariably you are going to run down an alley with a huge fence at the end, or one of those giant trash thingies. So what do you do? Make yourself cozy on a table cloth and welcome the horde to the buffet? No of course not! You're going to vault yourself over the huge trash thingie, or pull yourself up over that big fence. And you will run to your freedom!!! Or even better, run to the nearest Amunation and blow the unliving crap out of the horde following you. But this is still better done from the safety of somewhere high. Be careful not to fall, I don't want to be sued because your clumsy. After-all, all of the lawyers might have been eaten by then.

So I started out with my strength workout. There are several circuits at the YMCA. The beginner circuit is called the green circuit and I got all set up on it with a personal trainer when I first started. I am happy to report I have not LOST progress since I stopped doing it. I was still able to complete my circuit and feel good about it. I even discovered one or two places where I need to increase my weight.

After the strength training came C25K training. Since I couldn't complete it last time, I am back to counting this as W2D1. I did it! I learned from my mistakes last time. I slowed my pace back down to what was comfortable, but still challenging for me. I positioned myself between Roger and a Machine that wasn't working so I wouldn't have to deal with weird creepy people. I kept pep talking myself the entire time. The first two run sections were easy. It got hard after that though. So all through the runs I kept chanting in my head... "This is easy. You can do it! Your body is capable of great things! Only another few seconds. Just ten more seconds..." You get the picture. It helped carry me through the really rough pars. I am doing it though. I really am. I went 1.31 miles in 30 minutes. Yey!

I was experiencing some pain in my right leg and ankle though. So from there it was to the quiet room to stretch. I love that our Y has a cool, darker, quit room for stretching and AB work. I spent the next few minutes stretching out my legs, and that really seemed to help with the pain. While this was going on, Roger ran into a friend of his who stopped in.

It got me thinking. Working out is probably the last place you want to run into someone you know. You are sweaty, you stink, and if you're like me, look like hell by the end. But then, if someone can see you and hang out with you while you are in this state, you KNOW they have got your back when the invasion hits. I mean there's not always time for a shower when you're protecting the world from brain lusting aberrations, now is there. roger sees me in my 'I've been at the gym for a few hours' state and still loves me. That's true love right there.

Anyway, after stretching it was elliptical time! It was AWESOME! I did a weight loss program on the elliptical. Basically, it varies the levels of intensity. I did the entire thing on a resistance of 4, but my cross ramp height switched between a 4 and a 10 depending on if it was high or low intensity. OH MAN can you tell when it switches to that 10! For the first 30 seconds or so, each time, I almost felt like I couldn't do it. But then the discomfort faded and I was gliding into the sunset. I did an additional 35 minutes on the elliptical. 2.05 miles! 325 Cal. Whoo!! I'm excited.

Okay. Celebration and excitement... and now time for the confession.

I should have felt on top of the world. I did feel on top of the world. I felt on top of the world until I got home, showered and waited for Roger to shower so we could decide on dinner.

Ah food... my love... my nemesis. We spent the next several HOURS... and even now still to a degree being miserable. MISERABLE. Why? Well... because food is a sensitive subject. Times are tough right now as they are for most people. So we NEED to eat the food we have in the house. Yet, there is noting in this house that we want. What we WANT is to go out, eat whatever we want, have someone else serve it and someone else take it away. Tonight, it wasn't even the old fallback of 'I don't want to cook'. I didn't mind! But there was NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING I wanted that we had. I have an issue. Eating something I do not want, does nothing for me. Oh I know it's feeding my cells, but I -feel- completely unfulfilled and therefor want to keep eating until I do feel fulfilled. So I don't eat if its something I don't want. I know it's just going to trigger an awful cycle. However, not eating leads to crankiness, and eventually nausea and headaches for me. Not to mention I just burned over 500 calories. I need to refuel. So Roger did the smart thing and just made something... ANYTHING. It was healthy... brown rice, chicken breast and mixed vegetables. It was even tasty. However, I didn't want it. I ate it, but I didn't want it. So therefore, I didn't really enjoy it, and now I still want to go eat because I don't feel fulfilled in anyway.

I feel so stupid for feeling this way.

I have a list of goals that I want to accomplish with this weight loss journey. Some of them are physical, like I want to be able to cross my legs, or I want to be able to wrap a normal size towel around me. Some of them, however, are deeply emotional to me. One of them... is to feel in control of food instead of feeling it is in control of me.

I feel controlled... I don't like it.

4 comments:

An Educated Rabbit said...

First of all, here's a big WooHoo for your awesomeness at the gym today! You deserve it. I'm proud of your success this afternoon @ the C25K training, as I am not yet ready for week 2. And you completely blew me away on the elliptical. I see I whole new you showing us in a very short (but realistic) time.

And I understand where you are coming from with the food thing. When I feel unsatisfied by what I eat, I can end up consuming so much more in the search for that satisfaction. I think it is a crutch caused by something put in all comfort foods by those behind this impending zombie outbreak.

I can tell you that it gets easier. The more you can make yourself accept the food that is available over what you want, the less strain it puts on you. Of course, I'm out of practice and fat, so take that with a grain of salt!

But I do promise this... we will beat this, and we will be in control. I don't know exactly how or when, but it will happen, I promise.

Crystal said...

I love you baby. Thank you.

fatgirl_vs_world said...

Eat and then have sex.

(1) sex on a full stomach isn't necessarily fun, from my experience
(2) your body will have a rush of endorphins, giving you a positive association with whatever you just ate
(3) why the fuck not?
(4) it's exercise, innit? (NSFW: http://www.liberator.com/eng/video/all/17)
(5) it's a body-positive exercise
(6) it reaffirms the connection you have with the E.R. in both of your journeys.

Make the food foreplay. Get a blindfold. Have him feed you. At that point it doesn't really matter what you're eating, right?

Sandi said...

AWESOME!!!
You are doing such a fantastic job!!!!
I'm so proud of you!

I second the food then sex idea!

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