Sunday, June 6, 2010

Let's Talk About Fear

I've been examining a great deal of my behavior. I am definitely self sabotaging. There is no reason at all that I should be this far back in my 'progress'. I use this word lightly. Progress suggests having gotten somewhere, not having gotten somewhere and then receded completely back to the beginning.

I can however say that I am proud of myself for not giving up. I am still going to the gym. I am still TRYING to make better decisions. I am still not deciding that being fit and thin is too much work and deciding to be fat forever.

There is a quote I heard recently that really made me think. I can't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase it basically said...

What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?

This basically translates to me as... what would you accomplish if you could just ditch the fear? I really think most of my hangups come from two specific things. One of them is I am learning that I am afraid of failing. And the second is, that food has a tremendous control over me. I hate both of these things.

I am so confused and wound up about both of these that I am not even sure entirely how to go about writing about them. Tomorrow is my day back at the gym. I have decided to go ahead and push on through to week 2 of C25K. I'll be honest and say I'm scared of this decision. I'm afraid it's too much too soon. I'm afraid I won't make it. I'm kind of afraid of pushing myself too hard and having a heart attack or something. I'm afraid of being disappointed with my calories burned even if I am proud of my run.

Tomorrow there is also a ZUMBA class. I've wanted to try it for so long. One of the reasons we joined the Y was because they had classes we wanted to take. We have yet to try any of these classes. Why? Because I'm afraid I'll look stupid, or I won't be able to keep up with the class. I'm afraid of embarrassing myself.

I really want to try the ZUMBA class. I really want to continue to run and improve. My goal is to run a 5K in October. I haven't picked it out yet, but that is my goal.

Of course I have a lot of weight loss goals... I have many many fitness goals. I feel like for the most part I am disappointing myself. I know I'm hard on me, but dammit... some of the things I keep undermining my progress with are STUPID.

Now lets talk a little about the lack of willpower also known has food has more control over me than I do. I hate this! This makes me want to cry. Seriously... I will tell you something I am embarassed about... why? Because one day when I look back at this I want to be able to say that I have some so far. Also... just maybe if you are going through this too, then you know you aren't alone. The other night neither The Educated Rabbit or I wanted to cook. We were tired, we had a long week, we just wanted to be catered too. But we knew it was bad for us. We really need to get back to healthy eating. Also, we're unemployed and it's EXPENSIVE to eat out. And I threw a tantrum. I admit it. I whined and I got upset and eventually we decided to just go out to eat... for all you can eat B-B-Q.... yikes. The whole time I was so mad at myself that I couldn't stop this behavior. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I feel like I am five or something. It's terrible.

How do I even start to battle this monster?

I think it's going to take more than avoiding the corn dogs, or shooting the knee caps off Portuguese Vampires to sort this mess out.


fatgirl_vs_world said...

I think to have a fear of failing is simply an admission that until certain thing change, you have already failed yourself. The fear of failing is admitting guilt for all the things you would have to change in order to succeed. Perhaps start there. Make a list of all the ways you are failing yourself right now. Come to terms with it. Because once you put words to it and admit what's really going on, it will still control you.

for instance, growing up I wasn't really allowed to do much between school and the time my dad came home, so I'd go to the fridge out of boredom (even if I didn't end up eating anything). And now that I'm an adult and can make my own decisions, I find myself doing it. I'm guilty of staying in old patterns that I recognize and feel helpless in changing. To solve this, I either need more hobbies/activities or to become more social and enlist the help of people to keep me from eating when I'm bored.

So instead of a fear of failing, or a fear of succeeding, I have a battle plan.

As for the exercise and Zumba class, trust me when I say this. 10% of the people in the gym are thinking "whoa... look at what just rolled in" and the other 90% is a mix of empathy/sympathy (because they can appreciate the work it takes to stay fit), congratulations (people will respect that you're trying), the desire to help/cheer, and complete oblivion (they're too focused on what they're doing). That first 10% can go fuck themselves.

Why should you let someone else dictate you doing what you know is good and right for your body? Okay, so you might look like a fool, but give people a little credit. They might end up helping you, motivating you, and inspiring you. (case-in-point, when I took a yoga class for people with bad backs, I was in a class full of people who pull muscles. The teacher and I both had traumatic injuries to our back. I know she'd look out for me. What I didn't expect was that when I was having trouble, people would spot me, offer their hints, or just mind their own fucking business. Not a single jeer or laugh when I was falling over.)

As for eating out and general meal planning stuff -- can you make your own "frozen dinner" -- i.e. something real easy to store in the freezer and reheat? My go-to for that is lentils and rice with curry. It's in my freezer in pre-portioned bits and I can throw it in the microwave for a few minutes and feel satisfied. And if you buy it in bulk/dried it's hella cheap. You can add tofu, cauliflower, onions, spinach, etc. to it as well.

I'm not going to sugar coat this. Suck it up. Really, just quit the pity party that makes you think that cooking food for yourself is something other than an absolute labor of love. It's going to get you nowhere.

I love you darling, and I don't want you to think otherwise, but losing weight isn't all fun and games. It takes serious commitment and practice. (I'm not going to say discipline, b/c we all have our bad days and shouldn't chastise ourselves too much for it.) Get back on the horse and don't look back.

Figure out what your goals are (the big ones can be vague) and then break them down into smaller goals you can celebrate (running a block, running half a mile, losing 5 lbs, dropping a size, etc.). And then very mathematically study those small goals and try to figure what it would take to attain those goals. It's not rocket science, though sometimes it really feels like it.

Sandi said...

I want to put this in perspective...because some of the things you said here made me think,especially when you said "What am I? 5!?"

(And by the way -I am talking to myself with this as well, because I seriously need to pull my head out of my you-know-what!)

There is nothing more sacred and important than the commitment we make to ourselves. You have complete control over whether you break promises to yourself or keep them, whether you stay true to yourself or not, whether you become the woman you want to be or don't, whether you let yourself down because you gave up, or you are a warrior and never surrender. You have control!!!

Because, my dearest Crystal, you (and I) are mountains better, stronger, more capable, and more incredible than Drew. I refuse to be like him in any way!
You are stronger than you think, you have control, you are a goddess!!!

Crystal said...

Thank you both for such wonderful comments. Sometimes just hearing another perspective helps you get through it, you know?

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